We had only been married about a year when it happened. I was running away from Bradley as fast as I could and went the only place I knew I could to cry in safety. I squeezed myself into our tiny apartment closet and screamed for him to “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I was angry, scared, and felt all alone.
People had told us over and over that our first year of marriage would be the hardest, but that didn’t prove to be true for us. Our first year was an absolute BLAST. It was our second year (which was our first year in seminary) that was absolute hell for both of us.
(To be totally fair, I have absolutely no memory what the huge fight with Bradley was actually about. I would imagine it was about money… and our lack of it. Can you believe one time we got in a fight over the purchase of a pack of GUM?! Oh jeez, I do NOT want to re-live those days!)
Yeah, we had been to premarital counseling. Yada yada yada. Blah blah blah. For some reason it didn't really have a big impact on me or give me the tools I now feel like would have been so helpful. People were quick to say “you’re too young to get married” or “you aren’t right for each other”, but there was a HUGE void of people in our lives to walk us through what a healthy marriage should look like.
So, why do I tell you about this? This week Bradley and I FINALLY got to
celebrate our 14th anniversary (life just gets in the way sometimes and we were a couple weeks late...it was well worth the wait though).
All I wanted was to spend a whole day in PEACE with him at the
beach. NO kids. NO work. NO ministry.
 |
| Me and my love celebrating 14 years at Cocoa Beach |
I haven't thought those things in a VERY long time now. It was just in this moment, sitting on the beach, that I was just so incredibly humbled by God's grace. Why did God choose to take what we once were, and make it into something so beyond my imagination? Even as I write these words, I have a tendency to feel guilty about the wonderful emotions I'm feeling. If God’s grace is for everyone, why did my parents have to divorce after 30+ years of marriage? Why do I have to witness people that I love in such broken and devastating marriage relationships? I don’t have an answer. I do know that God hates divorce, and I get why. I have seen its destructive path, and I have felt the wake of it for most of my life. I have often felt judged myself that I am “less than” because of being the result of a broken family.
I ask myself…why me, God?
Why has such an amazing man chosen to walk through life with ME? How did we make it through such horrible seasons in our life and marriage and live to tell about it TOGETHER? Why, pray tell, is our marriage thriving in
this season?
AUTHENIC ALERT: I didn't want to write this blog today. It's really raw to me and I don't feel like I have much to offer in this arena. I'm sure if you're reading this you might have much more eloquent, wise advice to offer. If you do, then please comment below and let's all help each other! But, here’s what I'M going to do…I’m
going to tell you the first 10 things that POP into my mind as key contributors
to our “success” that NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME.
Here goes.
1)
God. He
has to be numero uno. We are utterly lost
without his guidance.
1) It’s okay to go to bed mad…just make sure to
have a PLAN for when you’ll “talk it through.” (by the way, I’m sure some of
you UBER spiritual people will disagree with this point. I.don’t.care.)
2) Don’t be a pushover. You get what you create (and, yes, I understand this is not a blanket statement). You want a lazy husband…then do EVERYTHING
for him and make him depend on you for EVERYTHING, and you will get your wish. Oh and don’t’ complain about “your lazy
husband” if you secretly like to do everthing for him so you feel needed. Yikes.
Soapbox issue. You want a husband
that loves you in the way you need? Teach him how. My guess is though, you don't even know HOW you feel most loved. So, instead of crucifying your spouse for not being what YOU need, get some help and learn what exactly it is that makes you feel the most loved and cherished and CLEARLY COMMUNICATE IT TO THEM. It won’t kill either of you…I promise. And yes, I did this to Bradley for years.
3) Intimacy: In the scheme of things, it's just a VERY SMALL part of your marriage. But, without health in this area, it's negative ripple effect can sow seeds of resentment that can take months or even years to wade though. Have the awkward conversations and keep trying to make this area better and better. It takes lots of time and constant reevaluation.
4) Have expectations. Yes, you heard me right. It was beat into my head “Expectations destroy relationships!” In the
real world, if we are really honest, it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to have
expectations. I EXPECT my husband to do
lots of things, BUT I do so knowing that he will sometimes fail. And when he does, I give grace (still working
on this, but it’s getting tons better!).
What I see more and more, though, is that my husband far exceeds all my expectations
because he knows I have unconditional love for him, and he truly desires to
live up to what I need from him. It’s a
two way street, by the way. I am
constantly reevaluating how I can meet his expectations too. The only way this works is to VERBALIZE your expectations and agree on which ones are healthy for that season of life…our
spouse is not a professional mind reader.
5) Go to counseling as often as you can. Find someone you trust and put them on speed
dial. Counseling should be a regular
part of any healthy marriage. Get over your pride.
6) Have a mentor.
The best seasons in our marriage have been when an older Godly person has come along each of us and
told us we were being stupid
AND affirmed us when we were doing well.
7) Don’t watch movies or TV that may bring temptations
or wrong thoughts into your marriage. We
do NOT watch sex scenes in movies or television. We guard our minds. I FIRMLY believe that much of the disastrous
damage that happens in our marriages has come from the EVIL that we allow in
our minds through television and the internet.
To the best of our ability, WE HAVE CHOSEN TO DO OUR BEST TO PROTECT OUR HOME.
8) My best gift to my spouse is spiritual authenticity and growth. The more confident I am in WHO I
AM IN CHRIST, the better wife I will be.
It can’t go the other way around. Trying to be a good wife, without the right ground rules, will always land me on my face in a poopy mess.
9) Embrace difficulty and change. When I look back on some of the hardest
things we have gone through in life, I can specifically see a moment every time
that we’ve come to a fork in the road in terms of how we could deal with
it. When we have chosen to walk through
the challenge hand in hand, we have grown exponentially. When we have chosen to fight and be divided,
Satan won the game and the ripple effect was devastating. The longer we are married, and the closer we have grown
with God, the less tempting it is to take different paths. We KNOW the
journey may suck, but the end result of
unity is the best thing EVER.
10) I asked Bradley to give me #10...drum roll please..."No credit is given for loading the dishes if you forget to push START." AMEN!
Hey friend, can I just say one quick thing in closing?
If you find yourself in a horribly
impossible season of life with your spouse, I beg you to get some help. Call around and find a BIBLICAL
COUNSELOR. Don’t push your issues under
the carpet and carry the burden alone.
We all need each other. If you
are too scared to talk to a counselor, then very prayerfully reach out to a godly person to confide in. SO
MUCH damage is done because we don’t get help soon enough. There is NO BURDEN too great for our loving
Savior to carry.
Keep digging deeper my friends.
Tirzah
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