The Best Marriage Advice I Never Got

We had only been married about a year when it happened.  I was running away from Bradley as fast as I could and went the only place I knew I could to cry in safety.  I squeezed myself into our tiny apartment closet and screamed for him to “LEAVE ME ALONE!”  I was angry, scared, and felt all alone.

People had told us over and over that our first year of marriage would be the hardest, but that didn’t prove to be true for us.  Our first year was an absolute BLAST.   It was our second year (which was our first year in seminary) that was absolute hell for both of us.

(To be totally fair, I have absolutely no memory what the huge fight with Bradley was actually about.   I would imagine it was about money… and our lack of it.  Can you believe one time we got in a fight over the purchase of a pack of GUM?!  Oh jeez, I do NOT want to re-live those days!) 

Yeah, we had been to premarital counseling.  Yada yada yada.  Blah blah blah.  For some reason it didn't really have a big impact on me or give me the tools I now feel like would have been so helpful.  People were quick to say “you’re too young to get married” or “you aren’t right for each other”, but there was a HUGE void of people in our lives to walk us through what a healthy marriage should look like.  

So, why do I tell you about this?  This week Bradley and I FINALLY got to celebrate our 14^th anniversary (life just gets in the way sometimes and we were a couple weeks late...it was well worth the wait though).  All I wanted was to spend a whole day in PEACE with him at the beach.  NO kids.  NO work.  NO ministry.

Me and my love celebrating 14 years at Cocoa Beach

It was heavenly.  We were like little school kids.  We had all these plans to read books, journal, nap and NONE of it happened.  We just talked and talked and talked.  Honestly, it was the best day we have had together in a VERY long time.  Man, I love him so much its crazy. 

It got me thinking about how far we have come and even now it makes me want to cry.  I didn’t always feel so loving towards him.  If I’m honest, there were many times in our early marriage that I actually wondered if everyone was right about us…maybe I did marry the wrong guy.

I haven't thought those things in a VERY long time now.  It was just in this moment, sitting on the beach, that I was just so incredibly humbled by God's grace.  Why did God choose to take what we once were, and make it into something so beyond my imagination?  Even as I write these words, I have a tendency to feel guilty about the wonderful emotions I'm feeling.   If God’s grace is for everyone, why did my parents have to divorce after 30+ years of marriage?  Why do I have to witness people that I love in such broken and devastating marriage relationships?  I don’t have an answer.  I do know that God hates divorce, and I get why.  I have seen its destructive path, and I have felt the wake of it for most of my life.  I have often felt judged myself that I am “less than” because of being the result of a broken family. 

I ask myself…why me, God?  Why has such an amazing man chosen to walk through life with ME?   How did we make it through such horrible seasons in our life and marriage and live to tell about it TOGETHER?  Why, pray tell, is our marriage thriving in this season? 

AUTHENIC ALERT: I didn't want to write this blog today.  It's really raw to me and I don't feel like I have much to offer in this arena.  I'm sure if you're reading this you might have much more eloquent, wise advice to offer.  If you do, then please comment below and let's all help each other!  But, here’s what I'M going to do…I’m going to tell you the first 10 things that POP into my mind as key contributors to our “success” that NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME. 

Here goes.

1)      God.  He has to be numero uno.  We are utterly lost without his guidance. 

oh shoot.  I’m sure someone told us that.  Let’s start over.

1)     It’s okay to go to bed mad…just make sure to have a PLAN for when you’ll “talk it through.” (by the way, I’m sure some of you UBER spiritual people will disagree with this point.  I.don’t.care.)

2)     Don’t be a pushover.  You get what you create (and, yes, I understand this is not a blanket statement).  You want a lazy husband…then do EVERYTHING for him and make him depend on you for EVERYTHING, and you will get your wish.  Oh and don’t’ complain about “your lazy husband” if you secretly like to do everthing for him so you feel needed.  Yikes.  Soapbox issue.  You want a husband that loves you in the way you need? Teach him how.  My guess is though, you don't even know HOW you feel most loved.  So, instead of crucifying your spouse for not being what YOU need, get some help and learn what exactly it is that makes you feel the most loved and cherished and CLEARLY COMMUNICATE IT TO THEM.  It won’t kill either of you…I promise.  And yes, I did this to Bradley for years.

3)     Intimacy:  In the scheme of things, it's just a VERY SMALL part of your marriage.  But, without health in this area, it's negative ripple effect can sow seeds of resentment that can take months or even years to wade though.  Have the awkward conversations and keep trying to make this area better and better.  It takes lots of time and constant reevaluation.

4)     Have expectations.  Yes, you heard me right.  It was beat into my head “Expectations destroy relationships!”  In the real world, if we are really honest, it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to have expectations.  I EXPECT my husband to do lots of things, BUT I do so knowing that he will sometimes fail.  And when he does, I give grace (still working on this, but it’s getting tons better!).  What I see more and more, though, is that my husband far exceeds all my expectations because he knows I have unconditional love for him, and he truly desires to live up to what I need from him.  It’s a two way street, by the way.  I am constantly reevaluating how I can meet his expectations too.  The only way this works is to VERBALIZE your expectations and agree on which ones are healthy for that season of life…our spouse is not a professional mind reader. 

5)     Go to counseling as often as you can.  Find someone you trust and put them on speed dial.  Counseling should be a regular part of any healthy marriage.  Get over your pride.

6)     Have a mentor.  The best seasons in our marriage have been when an older Godly person has come along each of us and told us we were being stupid AND affirmed us when we were doing well.

7)     Don’t watch movies or TV that may bring temptations or wrong thoughts into your marriage.  We do NOT watch sex scenes in movies or television.  We guard our minds.  I FIRMLY believe that much of the disastrous damage that happens in our marriages has come from the EVIL that we allow in our minds through television and the internet.  To the best of our ability, WE HAVE CHOSEN TO DO OUR BEST TO PROTECT OUR HOME.

8)     My best gift to my spouse is spiritual authenticity and growth.  The more confident I am in WHO I AM IN CHRIST, the better wife I will be.  It can’t go the other way around.  Trying to be a good wife, without the right ground rules, will always land me on my face in a poopy mess.

9)     Embrace difficulty and change.  When I look back on some of the hardest things we have gone through in life, I can specifically see a moment every time that we’ve come to a fork in the road in terms of how we could deal with it.  When we have chosen to walk through the challenge hand in hand, we have grown exponentially.  When we have chosen to fight and be divided, Satan won the game and the ripple effect was devastating.  The longer we are married, and the closer we  have grown with God, the less tempting it is to take different paths.  We KNOW the journey may suck,  but the end result of unity is the best thing EVER.

10)  I asked Bradley to give me #10...drum roll please..."No credit is given for loading the dishes if you forget to push START."  AMEN!

Hey friend,  can I just say one quick thing in closing?

If you find yourself in a horribly impossible season of life with your spouse, I beg you to get some help.  Call around and find a BIBLICAL COUNSELOR.  Don’t push your issues under the carpet and carry the burden alone.  We all need each other.  If you are too scared to talk to a counselor, then very prayerfully reach out to a godly person to confide in.  SO MUCH damage is done because we don’t get help soon enough.  There is NO BURDEN too great for our loving Savior to carry.

Keep digging deeper my friends.

Tirzah

Our Marriage- The Perfect Mismatch

It was 1997.  I was 18 years old and had just made the biggest decision in my life.  I left my broken family behind and I ran as fast as I could away from the life I had desperately wanted freedom from for so long.  I left my boyfriend of 2 ½ years who promised to follow me to Chicago if I wanted him to. I left my poor little 12 year old sister all alone with my parents who were hanging on by a thread.  I knew if I didn’t run I would die…maybe literally.  I couldn’t take one more day.  My boyfriend moved me into the dorms at the Moody Bible Institute and I started down the path that would forever change my life.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was terrified.  I cried myself to sleep not only that night but for the next 4 months.  My roommate also came from a broken home. We shared tears and horror stories and were no help for one another.

Every day I would wake up and put on the “happy Tirzah” face and try to show the world I was BRAVE and STRONG.  I did a really good job fooling people.  Or so I thought I did.

Day 2 at Moody Bible Institute:

I was free.  No one was watching my every action.  No permission had to be asked.  I could be my own person…but who was that person?  

Welcome Week was full of all kinds of festivities and they were handing out candied apples during a Freshmen Social in the courtyard…yummm...my FAVORITE.  Problem.  I couldn't bite the apple because of all the horrible stress sores in my mouth (a common issue I had most of my childhood).  I looked around at all my new found “brother floor guys” and thought it would be fun to see if one of them would start the apple for me.  Of course they say no.

Little did I know that someone named Bradley Caffee was just sitting back watching my little escapade.  He thought to himself “if she comes over here and asks me to help, I’m going to take the biggest possible bite I can!”  So, just picture this…I walk over to Bradley and without hesitation he takes my apple and literally eats HALF OF IT!  We laughed our heads off and that’s when it happened: “LOVE AT FIRST BITE.”  I know...cheesy.  

It was in that very moment that I looked in to Bradley’s eyes and I saw something I had never seen in my life.  I saw genuine character.  He treated me with a respect that I had never experienced in my life.  We started talking more and more over the next few days and slowly I began to let Bradley see the fear and pain that was filling my heart.

After my parents separated just weeks after I left for college the weight of the responsibility to hold them together overtook me.  I went into the kitchen and got the biggest, sharpest knife I could find.  As I look back, I know I would never have killed myself but at the time I really thought I would.  I sat next to my bed and called Bradley.  I told him I was done with all the pain.  He started to cry on the other end of the phone.  What?  Why should he care?  I was a no body.  But he did.  He prayed for me and said he was going to stay on the phone with me all night until he could see me at chapel the next morning.  That boy might have just saved my life that night.  Man, that image still takes my breath away.  Jesus must have been smiling down on that young 19 year old boy for his genuine love of the stranger he was loving.

I wish I could tell you our entire story.  It still blows me away.

Here’s the deal though.  When Bradley and I met we could NOT have been more different from each other.  In every way you can think of, we were opposites.  People looked at us and criticized the match.  Our parents doubted.  Friends doubted.  How could such a different couple actually make it?!

I’ll give you an example why:

Several months into our dating we had started to hold hands a lot.  Bradley knew I was coming off of a very unhealthy physical relationship and he started to get worried.  He came to me in his very Bradley kind of way and told me we needed to take “a break.”  I was devastated.  We had never officially started dating…it had just kinda happened.  I thought he was going to cast me aside and I literally didn't know if I could take it since I was in such a fragile state as it was.

After two agonizing days he called and told me he was ready to talk.  I’ll never forget it.  It was Fall and we sat on a bench in the courtyard… I braced myself for more pain.

Bradley looked into my eyes and said something that rocked my world.  “Tirzah, you are an amazing woman.  I have spent the last few days seeking God about our relationship and He has told me that I need to help us guard our relationship so it can last.”  What?!  He wasn't dumping me?  I was special?  Me?

Freshman year at MBI- we were 18 and 19 years old

He went on to tell me that God had shown him that there are several aspects to a healthy, godly relationship that need to grow in proportion with one another (intellectual, spiritual, experiential, physical, and emotional).  Hope I got that right.  Anyway, he told me that he wanted to take the time to really know me and make sure we were growing in ALL aspects of our relationship before we let ourselves become too close physically.  What?  A guy that was going to respect me and have boundaries?  Whoah.

This set the precedent for the rest of our dating relationship and honestly exemplifies our marriage today.  Bradley and I have an unwavering commitment to honor God in our marriage.  When we hit road bumps due to our differences (and oh my WORD there has been MANY), we get help.  We have spent hours in counseling and I’m not ashamed to say it.  We have chosen to not live as victims from our childhood pain.  We have chosen to forgive freely and often.  We pray together.  We cry together.  We get mad at each other, but choose to deal with it in a healthy way and don’t let it fester (although, I have gone to bed mad many nights...I'm not sure in what world people have the energy to always kiss and make up before they go to sleep!).  We make fun of each other and how “weird” we feel like the other one is.  We embrace our differences.  Did you hear that?  Did you know you can embrace and actually fall in love with someone’s differences?  They really don’t have to be road blocks at all!  Dang.  Gotta love hind-sight. 

So...why do I share all this with you?  Well, today is our 14^th anniversary.  Today I'm reflecting and rejoicing on my gift of Bradley.  When I look at my gorgeous, amazing, God-fearing, husband, I see my perfect, mismatched mate.  Yeah, we may look goofy on the outside to the world, but that is what I LOVE so much about us.   I firmly believe it is our differences that God has used to help us be even more effective for His purposes, and I am excited to see how that continues to play out in our life.

Bradley, I love you more than words can express.  You have shown me love like no other.  I am excited to grown old and saggy with you; having the adventures of a lifetime by your side is my total JOY. 

Forever your mismatch,
T

Caffee Family May 2014