Pastor's Wife: The "calling" I never wanted but learned to embrace

It’s been quite a while since my last post.  Life, children, ministry, work travel, kid’s sports, piano lessons, and carpooling have been my priority these past several weeks.  Trying to get into a non-psychotic- life-rhythm is always…um…let’s just say, a challenge.

I made myself a promise when I started blogging that I wasn’t going to be one of those people that blog for the sake of blogging.  I don’t want to waste your time reading my ramblings.  I have also been waiting to write because I frankly didn’t know how (or have the courage) to write what has so heavily been on my heart these past few months.

Let me just stop right here and say that this post is going to be written to my fellow pastors wives.  If you fall in that category, PLEASE keep reading.  IF, however, you have a dear pastor’s wife friend that could use a little encouragement to her soul, please read this for yourself and pass this on to her.  The words to come might be exactly what she needs to hear today.
Dear fellow pastor’s wife,

Get a cup of coffee and put the kids in front of a movie.  I think you need 15 minutes to hear what I have to say to you today.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you better now than ever before.  This year marks 12 years that I’ve been standing by my man in ministry.  To be honest, many days I feel more like a seasoned 55 year old than my current 35 years of age.  My outward shell is no testament to the inner story.  My heart and soul are weathered.

I never thought I’d be a Lead Pastor’s wife.  No way.  My parents led a church for 18 years and got chewed up and spit out.  They lost their marriage and it devastated our family in irreparable ways.  They laid their life down for people that turned around and stabbed them in the back. No, I did not want to be in this role.  And church?  Ick.  In my young mind I saw that the church was full of legalistic hypocrites, many of whom I’d fantasized about how I could give them a taste of their own medicine and make them pay for the damage caused to my family.  But alas, God, knowing my heart and my story called me to full time ministry in the church and set my feet on a path that has forever changed me.  He called me into the great unknown, and I was beyond unprepared for what awaited me.  I have often felt alone and wondered if my struggles were isolated and I’ve yearned for the motherly embrace of the more seasoned pastors wife to tell me that I’m “doing a good job” or “this is totally normal” when I’m feeling weary and insecure.

This, sister, is why I want to write you today.  You’ve been on my mind for ages, and I fear there are women just like you all over the world that need to hear the same message: “YOU. ARE. AMAZING.”  Stop it.  I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not prideful to accept that you are amazing!  You are amazing because of the beautiful work that God is doing in and through you.  You are amazing because of your faithfulness to endure hardship and be the hidden strength behind the man in the pulpit.  You are amazing because you work relentlessly to help your husband fulfill His God-given dreams.  You are amazing because you work hard to pay the bills, educate your children, keep the house somewhat in order, and juggle more than any man could dream of doing!  Can I get a witness?!  But seriously, next time you lay your head on the pillow, I want you to close your eyes and accept the simple truth that when God sees you, He is saying, “Beloved, you are amazing to me, and I love you so much.”

To my sweet youth pastor’s wife, I am so proud of you!  You are overlooked by so many.  The church often sees you as young and immature and doesn’t see how amazing you are.  You stay up to all hours of the night counseling girls and pouring your very heart and soul into their precious little lives.  You beg your girls to save sex for marriage and do everything you can to keep them on the straight and narrow.  You cry with them when they tell you they can’t stop masturbating (yep, I said that), and you feel the amazing privilege that so many girls would trust you with their deepest darkest struggles.  You are there for them when they start cutting or drinking.  You hold their hand after they’ve had an abortion.  You pray and help them accept God’s forgiveness when they feel it could never be given to them.  You kneel and pray with them as they accept Jesus into their hearts. You open up your home to kids that don’t understand the social clues to leave after a party is over and you fall asleep on the carpet while your husband pours into the student leaders.  You’ve grilled THOUSANDS of hamburgers and bought more gallons of ice cream then you can count.  You’ve been underpaid and overworked, but hardest of all, you feel invisible.  But friend, I see you.   Even better yet, GOD SEES YOU and HE IS AMAZED AT YOU.  My eyes fill up with tears when I think of the lasting impact you have made on this world.  You are investing in the next generation of life-changers.  You have one of the most important jobs in the church and you need keep doing your thing.  Remember, you don’t need a pat on the back.  Next time one of your girls hugs on you and spills her heart out to you, just quietly praise God that this is all the thanks you need.  Oh, and one last thing, you just keep rocking those skinny jeans girl; they won’t always look so good on you!

There is a category of pastor’s out there that I have learned to have a great amount of respect for.  In my years in ministry I’ve affectionately named these men the “Ass-Pastors.”  Yes, you know the ones. They are the Associate Pastors.  (I’m going to generalize here so just roll with me) They are the ones that are trying to climb the corporate ladder but in a very “Godly, spirit filled way.”  I heard someone say the other day, “I just barfed in my mind.”  Yes, that about sums up how I feel about this method of job progression. These Associate Pastors are often the men that hop from one role to the next and never seem to be satisfied anywhere for too terribly long. They have identity issues.  They are insecure.  Okay, so maybe I’m not speaking directly to your issues, but I know there are many of you out there because I’ve been friends with you.  I’ve had a front row seat to your journey AND I’ve walked in your shoes.  Oh, sister, I do not envy you.  To be married to a man that doesn’t know where he fits in the puzzle is just SO HARD.  You see him strive for recognition for his noble efforts and then cry with him when he feels like nothing he is doing is making any difference in the world.  You see him work so diligently on projects only to have someone higher up take all the glory for his hard work. You try not to ride the emotional roller coaster with him, but in your heart you know that being in this limbo-hodge-podge position can only last for so long.  To you my friend, I want you to know that I understand your exhaustion.  I know that you are trying to be strong.  I know that you desire your man to thrive in his God-given role, and I promise that if you keep seeking God then that time will come.  I encourage you, sister, to remember that the grass is most definitely NOT greener on the other side.  I beg you to embrace where God has you and do your best to encourage your husband to keep working heartily for the Lord.  Let’s be really honest, if it weren’t for our AMAZING Associate Pastors and their wives none of these super successful pastors would be super successful.  You are the Aarons.  You are holding up the arms of the bumbling idiot Moses’ out there, and we desperately need your strength and passion for Jesus to help our churches reach the world for Christ.  So thank you, Aaron’s wife.  You.are.amazing.

To my sweet worship pastor’s wives, let me say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that your husband is the most openly criticized pastor in the church.  I’m sorry for the people that left the church because your husband didn’t include enough hymns in the service.  I’m sorry for all the hate emails you get if your husband ever dares to include “I could sing of your love forever” in service. I’m sorry that your ministry has been the scratching post for all the crabby, super critical, graceless people in the church.  I want you to know that without your husband faithfully leading the church through song and scripture, our services would be lacking SO MUCH.  You, my sweet sister, are part of this beautiful team.  You are vital to the ministries of the church.  Sometimes I see you, and I wonder if you believe that truth.  I look in your eyes, and I see that you aren’t sure where you belong.  I see hurt in you and a woman that has been blindsided by the ugly side of Christians.  I ask you sister, to just be patient with the church.  Don’t allow the harsh words that people say about your husband to sink deep into your soul.  Remember that when God calls you, He equips you.  He is using the challenges of leading a team of prima donna’s on a worship team to help YOU and your hubby be more like Christ.  Leading from up front is a high calling. Never doubt your role because without worship so many of us would be lost.  You and your talented spouse are vital part of the church, and God and I think YOU ARE AMAZING.

And now, my dear lead pastors wife…what shall I say to you?  You are the one I never wanted to be.  I see you week after week sitting all alone in the front row of church.  I used to wonder what it felt like to be all alone up there, but now I completely understand.  I know what it’s like to have all the eyes on you.  I know the fears of having your children misbehave and feeling the judging eyes of the whole church peer into your back.  I know the feeling of being told you look really nice but would look even better if “you wore a thong with those slacks.”  Yes, I’m walking this road with you my friend.  (Oh, and by the way, should I slap the well intentioned woman or will you?)  I know what it’s like to be held to a completely different standard than every other woman in the church.  I know what it’s like to never be introduced as anything other than, “This is my pastor’s wife!” I know, sis, how much your family pours out for the church, and I THANK YOU.  We pastors wives are as different as grains of sand, but many things we can ALL understand.  We have a bond, a sister-hood, a language that no other kind of pastor’s wife can understand.  We get to see the naked side of church; the part that very few ever get to see.  We are the secret keepers and the frontline soldiers.  We are judged and gossiped about.  We are loved and hated.  We are embraced and then rejected.  We are friended and then unfriended (yes, I’m talking about Facebook!). We have tons of relationships but almost always feel lonely.  We, ladies, are the ones that lie in bed at midnight and talk through sermon outlines with our husbands.  We are the ones who wait up till 11pm when our husbands have late night elder meetings and then take another hour (or two) to help our men process the meeting so they can sleep.  We are the ones that work extra jobs to pay the bills so our warriors don’t have to worry about money on top of all the other stress in their lives.  But all of these things pale in comparison to our ONE most important role that we all share, WE ARE THE CHEERLEEDERS.  We are our husband’s biggest fans.  No matter what, that is our role and our privilege. We support them after church when they feel like they just “totally bombed it” or feel like “I didn’t impact anyone with that sermon.”  We hug and encourage and only give honest feedback.  We know that our opinion and affirmation is more valued than any other person on earth, and we hold that responsibility with care and discernment.  We are strength.  We are stability. We are comfort.  We are counselors. We are peacemakers.  We are love (yes, the bom chicka wow wow kind).  We are authentic.  We are caretakers.  We are committed for the journey, no matter where that takes us.  And after all that, we are TIRED.  ;  ) And to you my friend, I hold your hand, and say to you with all the sincerity in my heart, YOU ARE AMAZING.  Keep up the great work!

There is one last woman that I would like to speak to, and that is the broken and betrayed pastor’s wife. This is the wife that has been so beaten up that she wonders if she can ever step foot in a church again.  You see, I know you too.  The image is burned in my head seeing my husband collapse onto the church sanctuary floor in weeping sobs as we experienced our church break into shambles.  I understand betrayal of the worst kind by people you thought loved you like a sister.  I’ve had my secrets shared.  I’ve been publically humiliated.  I’ve been so grossly misunderstood that I wanted to leave the church and never return.  I’ve had to suffer through seeing my husband be used as a punching bag for YEARS and hold him in my arms time after time as he wept tears of utter defeat and discouragement.  I know the numbness.  I know the anger.  I know the brokenness.  My mom still tells me that she can hear me screaming in the phone when I called her after our church split.  She thought someone had died and then realized it was so much worse than that.  A broken church is the worst death of all.  It’s like a mass suicide of your whole entire family.  It’s been almost 3 years and just recalling this time in our lives brings the tears back to my eyes, and my heart starts to beat just a bit faster.  I’ve healed a lot, but there are scars that have changed me forever.  So sister, I may not understand all the details of why you are hurting, but I want you to know that YOU ARE AMAZING.  God knows your pain, and He is hurting right along with you, because you know what, He loves the Church even more than you.  There are many things I wish I could say to you, but let me just encourage you in this; do not let your pain turn to resentment and anger.  Hurting people will always hurt people.  Satan wants to destroy you and me and make us ineffective for Jesus.  Don’t let him win.  So, yeah, maybe you aren’t a pastor’s wife anymore, but that doesn’t mean your impact for God is over.  NO WAY!  Maybe your best and most effective years of ministry are yet to come.  Take time to heal, be patient with the LONG process, but be open NOW to let God use you in a mighty way.  And don’t forget, YOU ARE AMAZING.

So my sweet friends, today I just wanted you to know that you have a sister out there that is cheering for you.  When you feel like ministry compares to an obese pregnant woman trying to run a triathlon, just know that I’m right there with you.  ; )

Always remember that your role, success, or failure in ministry is NOT what defines you.  God’s not more impressed with Bill Hybels than he is your husband that pastors a tiny little church in the middle of Iowa. God doesn’t care if you or your husband writes a book that makes best seller.  He doesn’t care if your husband planted a church, and now it has 5000 members.  On the flip side He’s not disappointed in your small church that is struggling to make ends meet.  You have not let him down.  WE are not the ones who get to decide if our life is a success or failure.  Do you hear me? YOU do NOT get to decide if your life has been a success or a failure.  God is the judge.  And you know what, he doesn’t look at the outside, He looks at the heart.  He doesn’t’ care about the BUCKS, BUILDINGS, AND BUTT’S (at least that’s what the big wigs call it!).  God, in His great wisdom has uniquely gifted and equipped each of us to be a very specific piece in His giant puzzle of creation.  Don’t you dare compare your piece of the puzzle to another because without you, not matter what color or shape you may be, the puzzle is incomplete.  You are his workmanship, sister, and YOU ARE AMAZING.

“Therefore, my beloved [sisters](my paraphrase), be steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor in not in vain.”

With all the love in my heart for you, sweet sister,

Tirzah

 

When hurt takes up residence in your heart

I've been thinking a lot this week about old wounds.  We sat with some friends last Sunday talking about key people and circumstances that have shaped our lives.  I found unexpected tears running down my face as I shared one of my hurts.

(bear with me as I tell a bit of my story…I'm a bit humbled to share this, but my lessons are not just for me to keep to myself...we can all learn from each others' stories!)

As a child you don’t really have a lot of choices about things.  In my family it wasn't really an option if you were going to play the piano.  It’s what every good girl did right?  Four sisters and we all played.  I have lots of fond memories around the piano.  We played duets and sang with each other for hours.  I love music.

I remember my first piano teacher.  She was SUPER fat (not trying to be judgmental…just giving you my childhood impression of her) and sat in her chair barely able to breathe. Sounded like Darth Vader to me and VERY distracting!  She sat with a fan blowing on her so loudly that she had to yell over it to teach me.  I went week after week, and I’m not really sure what she taught me…definitely not music theory.  That lasted several years, but ended when our family moved across town.  I did a happy dance.  And hence, this is my the birth of my music education.  Lovely.

A few years later I started up again with someone that was revered as one of the best classically trained pianists in St. Louis.  My family was so poor so one of my brothers and his wife committed to pay every single month for my pianos lessons.  They were making such a big sacrifice and I felt the need to make them proud. Week after week I sat in his lessons.  I was always terrified.  He never praised me and often told me “I needed to play like my older sister.”  I remember one time I thought for sure I had nailed a song and his exact words were “well, that sounded stupid.”  I kept going because I thought that if I JUST KEPT WORKING HARDER he would eventually be pleased with me.  Yeah, that never happened.  Crappy piano teacher #2.

As I got older and started thinking about college and I had no idea what to study.  After 10 years of piano, music was the only context I knew.  At 16 I started up with another teacher and she promised to do her best to get me prepared for college.  She was a good teacher, but I was still terrified of her.  Praise was not on her tongue, but I think she had compassion on me.  My Grandma died during this time, and each month I paid for my lessons with my inheritance.  Every single penny I got from my grandma went to piano lessons.  Yes, every-single-penny.

Within my first days studying piano at the Moody Bible Institute I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done.  Most everyone was better than me, but I LOVED music (so I thought) and with the right training I had confidence I could do this thing!  I met the two piano instructors and I PRAYED I would get the kind one.  But alas, that wasn't my good fortune.  Bring in crappy piano teacher #3.  (a little caveat here...I actually don't think my teachers were actually bad people...just not good for ME...big difference there and I know it.)

Some people thrive under criticism and pressure…not me.  I’m a people-pleaser.  It was the worst possible scenario for me.  I’m sorry, but telling me you want to hit me with a yard stick or slap my knuckles till they bleed doesn't exactly inspire confidence in me.  I worked hard, really hard.  I practiced for hours every day and somehow I still new I would never be good enough.

I joined a ladies choir and found some of my dearest and sweetest friends there.  To this day they all hold an amazing place in my heart.  But, I must confess, it was just one more place that Satan was able to get in my head that I was worthless when it came to piano.  You know how you have moments in time that stand still and they get locked in your heart forever?  I have about a dozen or so of those key defining moments.  Well, something happened in me on this particular day.  I walked into choir with my best friend, and we were unprepared for the fact that we would be publicly humiliated that day.  Maybe to some this wouldn't be a big deal, but to me, the wounds went deep.  My friend and I had been playing our choir finale for weeks.  It was a duet, and we were known for our love for playing duets together.  Evidently we weren't good enough though and someone else was chosen to play.  There was no coaching, no talks, no warning.  We just walked in to choir one day and right in front of everyone we were told we had been replaced.   I can still remember the little voice in my head telling me how all those years of piano were just a waste of my time, my brother's money, and my grandmother’s inheritance.  I let them all down.  (I know…stupid thoughts of a 20 year old, but they were my thoughts nonetheless).

It was in that moment my heart changed about piano.  I accepted my mediocrity, but not with grace.  Hurt came and stayed…for a very long time.

So, this story got me thinking.  How many of us have hurts that have come and made a comfy residence within our hearts?  I KNOW I’m not the only one with a story like this one.  Can you resonate at all with these feelings?    Can you stop right now and think of a key time in your life when hurt came and took up residence in your heart?

FRIENDS!  God has made us such beautiful creations.  He gave us passions and desires.  He blessed us with gifts and talents that He wants us to use for His glory!  Not man’s glory. GOD’S GLORY!  I can’t say that enough.  It’s all about HIM.  When we start believing the lies that Satan throws at us, He becomes the winner.  We become handicapped by our fears, insecurities, anger, and bitterness.  With these hurts lingering in our hearts, our ability to make an impact for Jesus becomes so much less than what it could by living in HIS TRUTH.

Satan…stupid Satan. He wants to destroy any good that God creates.  He wants to squelch our joy.  He wants to discourage us.  He wants to sow seeds of bitterness in our hearts.  He wants us to get angry and stay angry.  He wants to make us feel and believe we are “less-than.”  I don’t know about you but I’m tired of feeling less than.  I’m also sick and tired of seeing God’s children walk around defeated and useless because Satan has convinced us that we have nothing to offer.  Excuse me, but BULL CRAP.  You are an amazing work of God.  You were created for good works that God prepared for you to do!   Isn't that so cool?

So I ask you.  Do you feel sub-par?  Are you tired of leasing out your heart to the stupid tenants called HURT and INSECURITY?   I sure am!  Friends, we are made for GOD sized dreams.  If you have hurts in your life that have crippled you, I beg you to ASK GOD TO RELEASE YOU from this bondage. 

I had to tell you this story because it brings to mind some of the deepest feelings of inadequacy in my life.  Obviously, I’m just sharing a tiny bit of my story, but I know we can all tell similar stories.  Stories of not being good enough.  Stories of letting ourselves and others down.  Stories of DEEP HURT.  Stories that still bring the tears to our eyes and sharp pangs to our hearts.

You have so much in common with this butterfly.  Every dot and line are perfectly placed by God.  You are beautiful in His sight and made for a wonderful purpose!  Don't let Satan's lies destroy your "wings" and keep you from flying!  There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God's handiworks fly in total freedom to express HIS LOVE to the world!

I don’t know about you but I want to be free from old wounds.  Would you dare to join with me, friend?  Would you ask God to help you be released from those thoughts and feelings that are not of God?  You, sister and brother, are a beautiful work of God.  He is pleased with you.  You are enough!  What Jesus wants from us is our hearts; hearts that are fully devoted to HIM.  He delights in our offerings and doesn't judge the offering but the heart behind it. 

So, how did my little piano sob story end?

I decided after I graduated college that I wanted the cycle to end.  I wanted to teach piano with JOY and KINDNESS.  I wasn't the best teacher, but I loved on each and every one of my students.  My mission as a teacher was to give them a positive experience with piano and show them the love of Jesus through my life.  I think I did that pretty well.  I took my hurt and let it turn into a gift…I let God us it for GOOD in my life.

Years later, I did get the courage to try out for the worship team.  I was turned down yet again.  Yeah, it sucked.   But guess what?  I’m still alive. 

I wish I could say I've got all these feelings figured out, but I don’t.  I was shocked this week when I cried as I told this part of my story.  BUT, this thing I do know:  God wants us to remember that in Him, we don’t have to keep on striving to be more and better.  He loves us so much.  I think it breaks His heart when His children feel the need to achieve the praise of men, when through Him, we have everything we need. 

   

So, next time you are tempted to feel like you suck …say to yourself “I AM A DELIGHT TO GOD...JUST LIKE I AM.”   Next time you are hurt by something life brings along your way…say to yourself “I WILL NOT LET HURT TAKE RESIDENCE IN MY HEART…I choose to forgive and let God keep doing his MIGHTY work in my life!”

Keep on digging deeper my friends,

Tirzah

The Best Marriage Advice I Never Got

We had only been married about a year when it happened.  I was running away from Bradley as fast as I could and went the only place I knew I could to cry in safety.  I squeezed myself into our tiny apartment closet and screamed for him to “LEAVE ME ALONE!”  I was angry, scared, and felt all alone.

People had told us over and over that our first year of marriage would be the hardest, but that didn’t prove to be true for us.  Our first year was an absolute BLAST.   It was our second year (which was our first year in seminary) that was absolute hell for both of us.

(To be totally fair, I have absolutely no memory what the huge fight with Bradley was actually about.   I would imagine it was about money… and our lack of it.  Can you believe one time we got in a fight over the purchase of a pack of GUM?!  Oh jeez, I do NOT want to re-live those days!) 

Yeah, we had been to premarital counseling.  Yada yada yada.  Blah blah blah.  For some reason it didn't really have a big impact on me or give me the tools I now feel like would have been so helpful.  People were quick to say “you’re too young to get married” or “you aren’t right for each other”, but there was a HUGE void of people in our lives to walk us through what a healthy marriage should look like.  

So, why do I tell you about this?  This week Bradley and I FINALLY got to celebrate our 14^th anniversary (life just gets in the way sometimes and we were a couple weeks late...it was well worth the wait though).  All I wanted was to spend a whole day in PEACE with him at the beach.  NO kids.  NO work.  NO ministry.

Me and my love celebrating 14 years at Cocoa Beach

It was heavenly.  We were like little school kids.  We had all these plans to read books, journal, nap and NONE of it happened.  We just talked and talked and talked.  Honestly, it was the best day we have had together in a VERY long time.  Man, I love him so much its crazy. 

It got me thinking about how far we have come and even now it makes me want to cry.  I didn’t always feel so loving towards him.  If I’m honest, there were many times in our early marriage that I actually wondered if everyone was right about us…maybe I did marry the wrong guy.

I haven't thought those things in a VERY long time now.  It was just in this moment, sitting on the beach, that I was just so incredibly humbled by God's grace.  Why did God choose to take what we once were, and make it into something so beyond my imagination?  Even as I write these words, I have a tendency to feel guilty about the wonderful emotions I'm feeling.   If God’s grace is for everyone, why did my parents have to divorce after 30+ years of marriage?  Why do I have to witness people that I love in such broken and devastating marriage relationships?  I don’t have an answer.  I do know that God hates divorce, and I get why.  I have seen its destructive path, and I have felt the wake of it for most of my life.  I have often felt judged myself that I am “less than” because of being the result of a broken family. 

I ask myself…why me, God?  Why has such an amazing man chosen to walk through life with ME?   How did we make it through such horrible seasons in our life and marriage and live to tell about it TOGETHER?  Why, pray tell, is our marriage thriving in this season? 

AUTHENIC ALERT: I didn't want to write this blog today.  It's really raw to me and I don't feel like I have much to offer in this arena.  I'm sure if you're reading this you might have much more eloquent, wise advice to offer.  If you do, then please comment below and let's all help each other!  But, here’s what I'M going to do…I’m going to tell you the first 10 things that POP into my mind as key contributors to our “success” that NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME. 

Here goes.

1)      God.  He has to be numero uno.  We are utterly lost without his guidance. 

oh shoot.  I’m sure someone told us that.  Let’s start over.

1)     It’s okay to go to bed mad…just make sure to have a PLAN for when you’ll “talk it through.” (by the way, I’m sure some of you UBER spiritual people will disagree with this point.  I.don’t.care.)

2)     Don’t be a pushover.  You get what you create (and, yes, I understand this is not a blanket statement).  You want a lazy husband…then do EVERYTHING for him and make him depend on you for EVERYTHING, and you will get your wish.  Oh and don’t’ complain about “your lazy husband” if you secretly like to do everthing for him so you feel needed.  Yikes.  Soapbox issue.  You want a husband that loves you in the way you need? Teach him how.  My guess is though, you don't even know HOW you feel most loved.  So, instead of crucifying your spouse for not being what YOU need, get some help and learn what exactly it is that makes you feel the most loved and cherished and CLEARLY COMMUNICATE IT TO THEM.  It won’t kill either of you…I promise.  And yes, I did this to Bradley for years.

3)     Intimacy:  In the scheme of things, it's just a VERY SMALL part of your marriage.  But, without health in this area, it's negative ripple effect can sow seeds of resentment that can take months or even years to wade though.  Have the awkward conversations and keep trying to make this area better and better.  It takes lots of time and constant reevaluation.

4)     Have expectations.  Yes, you heard me right.  It was beat into my head “Expectations destroy relationships!”  In the real world, if we are really honest, it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to have expectations.  I EXPECT my husband to do lots of things, BUT I do so knowing that he will sometimes fail.  And when he does, I give grace (still working on this, but it’s getting tons better!).  What I see more and more, though, is that my husband far exceeds all my expectations because he knows I have unconditional love for him, and he truly desires to live up to what I need from him.  It’s a two way street, by the way.  I am constantly reevaluating how I can meet his expectations too.  The only way this works is to VERBALIZE your expectations and agree on which ones are healthy for that season of life…our spouse is not a professional mind reader. 

5)     Go to counseling as often as you can.  Find someone you trust and put them on speed dial.  Counseling should be a regular part of any healthy marriage.  Get over your pride.

6)     Have a mentor.  The best seasons in our marriage have been when an older Godly person has come along each of us and told us we were being stupid AND affirmed us when we were doing well.

7)     Don’t watch movies or TV that may bring temptations or wrong thoughts into your marriage.  We do NOT watch sex scenes in movies or television.  We guard our minds.  I FIRMLY believe that much of the disastrous damage that happens in our marriages has come from the EVIL that we allow in our minds through television and the internet.  To the best of our ability, WE HAVE CHOSEN TO DO OUR BEST TO PROTECT OUR HOME.

8)     My best gift to my spouse is spiritual authenticity and growth.  The more confident I am in WHO I AM IN CHRIST, the better wife I will be.  It can’t go the other way around.  Trying to be a good wife, without the right ground rules, will always land me on my face in a poopy mess.

9)     Embrace difficulty and change.  When I look back on some of the hardest things we have gone through in life, I can specifically see a moment every time that we’ve come to a fork in the road in terms of how we could deal with it.  When we have chosen to walk through the challenge hand in hand, we have grown exponentially.  When we have chosen to fight and be divided, Satan won the game and the ripple effect was devastating.  The longer we are married, and the closer we  have grown with God, the less tempting it is to take different paths.  We KNOW the journey may suck,  but the end result of unity is the best thing EVER.

10)  I asked Bradley to give me #10...drum roll please..."No credit is given for loading the dishes if you forget to push START."  AMEN!

Hey friend,  can I just say one quick thing in closing?

If you find yourself in a horribly impossible season of life with your spouse, I beg you to get some help.  Call around and find a BIBLICAL COUNSELOR.  Don’t push your issues under the carpet and carry the burden alone.  We all need each other.  If you are too scared to talk to a counselor, then very prayerfully reach out to a godly person to confide in.  SO MUCH damage is done because we don’t get help soon enough.  There is NO BURDEN too great for our loving Savior to carry.

Keep digging deeper my friends.

Tirzah

Our Marriage- The Perfect Mismatch

It was 1997.  I was 18 years old and had just made the biggest decision in my life.  I left my broken family behind and I ran as fast as I could away from the life I had desperately wanted freedom from for so long.  I left my boyfriend of 2 ½ years who promised to follow me to Chicago if I wanted him to. I left my poor little 12 year old sister all alone with my parents who were hanging on by a thread.  I knew if I didn’t run I would die…maybe literally.  I couldn’t take one more day.  My boyfriend moved me into the dorms at the Moody Bible Institute and I started down the path that would forever change my life.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was terrified.  I cried myself to sleep not only that night but for the next 4 months.  My roommate also came from a broken home. We shared tears and horror stories and were no help for one another.

Every day I would wake up and put on the “happy Tirzah” face and try to show the world I was BRAVE and STRONG.  I did a really good job fooling people.  Or so I thought I did.

Day 2 at Moody Bible Institute:

I was free.  No one was watching my every action.  No permission had to be asked.  I could be my own person…but who was that person?  

Welcome Week was full of all kinds of festivities and they were handing out candied apples during a Freshmen Social in the courtyard…yummm...my FAVORITE.  Problem.  I couldn't bite the apple because of all the horrible stress sores in my mouth (a common issue I had most of my childhood).  I looked around at all my new found “brother floor guys” and thought it would be fun to see if one of them would start the apple for me.  Of course they say no.

Little did I know that someone named Bradley Caffee was just sitting back watching my little escapade.  He thought to himself “if she comes over here and asks me to help, I’m going to take the biggest possible bite I can!”  So, just picture this…I walk over to Bradley and without hesitation he takes my apple and literally eats HALF OF IT!  We laughed our heads off and that’s when it happened: “LOVE AT FIRST BITE.”  I know...cheesy.  

It was in that very moment that I looked in to Bradley’s eyes and I saw something I had never seen in my life.  I saw genuine character.  He treated me with a respect that I had never experienced in my life.  We started talking more and more over the next few days and slowly I began to let Bradley see the fear and pain that was filling my heart.

After my parents separated just weeks after I left for college the weight of the responsibility to hold them together overtook me.  I went into the kitchen and got the biggest, sharpest knife I could find.  As I look back, I know I would never have killed myself but at the time I really thought I would.  I sat next to my bed and called Bradley.  I told him I was done with all the pain.  He started to cry on the other end of the phone.  What?  Why should he care?  I was a no body.  But he did.  He prayed for me and said he was going to stay on the phone with me all night until he could see me at chapel the next morning.  That boy might have just saved my life that night.  Man, that image still takes my breath away.  Jesus must have been smiling down on that young 19 year old boy for his genuine love of the stranger he was loving.

I wish I could tell you our entire story.  It still blows me away.

Here’s the deal though.  When Bradley and I met we could NOT have been more different from each other.  In every way you can think of, we were opposites.  People looked at us and criticized the match.  Our parents doubted.  Friends doubted.  How could such a different couple actually make it?!

I’ll give you an example why:

Several months into our dating we had started to hold hands a lot.  Bradley knew I was coming off of a very unhealthy physical relationship and he started to get worried.  He came to me in his very Bradley kind of way and told me we needed to take “a break.”  I was devastated.  We had never officially started dating…it had just kinda happened.  I thought he was going to cast me aside and I literally didn't know if I could take it since I was in such a fragile state as it was.

After two agonizing days he called and told me he was ready to talk.  I’ll never forget it.  It was Fall and we sat on a bench in the courtyard… I braced myself for more pain.

Bradley looked into my eyes and said something that rocked my world.  “Tirzah, you are an amazing woman.  I have spent the last few days seeking God about our relationship and He has told me that I need to help us guard our relationship so it can last.”  What?!  He wasn't dumping me?  I was special?  Me?

Freshman year at MBI- we were 18 and 19 years old

He went on to tell me that God had shown him that there are several aspects to a healthy, godly relationship that need to grow in proportion with one another (intellectual, spiritual, experiential, physical, and emotional).  Hope I got that right.  Anyway, he told me that he wanted to take the time to really know me and make sure we were growing in ALL aspects of our relationship before we let ourselves become too close physically.  What?  A guy that was going to respect me and have boundaries?  Whoah.

This set the precedent for the rest of our dating relationship and honestly exemplifies our marriage today.  Bradley and I have an unwavering commitment to honor God in our marriage.  When we hit road bumps due to our differences (and oh my WORD there has been MANY), we get help.  We have spent hours in counseling and I’m not ashamed to say it.  We have chosen to not live as victims from our childhood pain.  We have chosen to forgive freely and often.  We pray together.  We cry together.  We get mad at each other, but choose to deal with it in a healthy way and don’t let it fester (although, I have gone to bed mad many nights...I'm not sure in what world people have the energy to always kiss and make up before they go to sleep!).  We make fun of each other and how “weird” we feel like the other one is.  We embrace our differences.  Did you hear that?  Did you know you can embrace and actually fall in love with someone’s differences?  They really don’t have to be road blocks at all!  Dang.  Gotta love hind-sight. 

So...why do I share all this with you?  Well, today is our 14^th anniversary.  Today I'm reflecting and rejoicing on my gift of Bradley.  When I look at my gorgeous, amazing, God-fearing, husband, I see my perfect, mismatched mate.  Yeah, we may look goofy on the outside to the world, but that is what I LOVE so much about us.   I firmly believe it is our differences that God has used to help us be even more effective for His purposes, and I am excited to see how that continues to play out in our life.

Bradley, I love you more than words can express.  You have shown me love like no other.  I am excited to grown old and saggy with you; having the adventures of a lifetime by your side is my total JOY. 

Forever your mismatch,
T

Caffee Family May 2014

Why are Christians SO DUMB?

Last Sunday, we were visiting with some family in PA and decided to hit up a local unnamed restaurant after church.  It was a really busy time and I could see there were many “churchy looking” people coming in, leaving, and enjoying their lunch.  When our family stepped up to the counter, I was friendly with the lady and she started to take our order.  I’m not sure why but I asked the lady (who happened to be the store manager), “So, are you having a good day?”  She replied politely and kept ringing up our order.  Probing a little more I said, “Do you enjoy working here?  Are the customers nice to you?”  I wish I could say her response shocked me but it didn’t.  With a sad look on her face she said, “You know, I hate to say it, but I totally dread coming to work on Sunday’s.  You would think that with all these people coming in here after church, they would be nice, but they are the worst customers ever.  They are totally rude and make our jobs very unpleasant.” 

Of course I took it upon myself to apologize on behalf of all the Christians in Pennsylvania and she laughed and we said our goodbyes.

Bradley and I walked away and my heart just sank into my stomach.  What the heck is wrong with us, people?! 

We get upset that people call us Christians “hypocrites”, but I can’t say that I blame them.

How is it that we can walk into church and be the nicest people ever, and then lay it all aside when we interact with the “world”?  Not cool, people.  Seriously…come a little closer so I can punch your face.  Okay, I’m not going to punch you, but what is it going to take for Christian’s to STOP BEING SO DUMB?!

So, for days I’ve been thinking about this.  My heart has been sad.  I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and what areas I’m being a dumb Christian.  I do agree that I’ve acted dumb before and probably still am.  I mean, the first step towards healing is acknowledging you have a problem, right?

Here’s the deal.  I’m done with the Christian show…actually I’ve been over that for a while now, but I don’t want to be dumb anymore! 

How about this for a concept?  Let’s start living the life that God wants us to and then we won’t have to even fake it at church?  When we are living and growing every day to be more and more like Jesus, we won’t be arrogant jerks to people at Panera.  Oops.  Yes, it was Panera.  I seriously love that place.

Here are a few of the things I have been thinking about lately to help me to keep my faith authentic as I interact with the world…maybe it will help you in your journey to stop being a dumb Christian too. 

1. Ask God to help you have a heart of compassion for the world- EVERY SINGLE interaction you have during the day can be an opportunity to shine the Light of Christ.  Don’t waste your life!
2. Don’t be an arrogant jerk.  People in food service have some of the hardest jobs out there.  When you accepted Christ you didn’t earn the right to turn your Christian mojo off and on when you feel like it.  Almost every single day you will interact with someone either at a gas station, shopping mall, food service, salon, kid’s sports, etc….  Treat people with KINDNESS.  And, oh, leave a decent tip…a track and no cash is a crappy testimony!
3. Open your eyes to what is going on around you.  Look into people’s eyes.  Ask questions.  Be genuinely interested in what is going on in other people’s lives (I know it’s shocking, but life isn’t really all about you). Don’t be immobilized by your insecurity.  Step out and let yourself do awkward and uncomfortable things for the sake of Jesus.

I could go on and on…that’s enough for now.

One last thing…

A month or so ago I heard a speaker and he said something that seriously imprinted on my heart and I believe might just have changed the way I think about my life.  He said, “Do you live a curious life?  When people look at you do they scratch their head and wonder why you are so incredibly different from the rest of the world?  If not, how do you hope to win people to Christ?  Your authentic and curious life should draw people to the ask you to tell them more.”

Will you take up that challenge friends?  How about we stop being so stinking DUMB and start to live curious lives!!!!

Digging Deeper,

Tirzah

PS. Sorry if my boldness offended you.  Oh wait, that was the old Tirzah speaking.  I HOPE I MADE YOU TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE AND I’M NOT SORRY FOR SAYING IT!!!

Hey Satan-You’re a loser.

A couple weeks ago I was having a much needed quiet time on my back porch.  Seriously, I love my patio.  We don’t have a huge yard or anything, but when I sit out there, looking over the pool, I can see a line of trees and beautiful blue sky that I absolutely have grown to love.  There are almost always gorgeous birds flying around, and once I even saw a bald eagle fly past our house. 

So, during this recent time outside, I saw something so incredible.  I was sitting there talking to a friend on the phone, when I saw this LARGE bird start circling one of the biggest trees behind our house.  All of the sudden, this TINY little bird comes darting out of the tree and starts going “gangsta” on the big bird.  You should have seen it!  It was quickly made very clear to me that that sweet, tiny little bird had a nest it was trying to protect in that tree. The big bird was relentless.  There were a couple times I almost jumped to my feet because the larger bird was coming SO CLOSE to the nest.  I found myself unable to keep my eyes off this battle, and I just knew any moment I was going to see the little bird, lose hope, give up, or even worse be killed by the large bird of prey.

(not a picture of the actual birds that I witnessed...but you get the idea!)

Okay, so maybe I’m just weird, but the picture of that big ugly bird trying to attack that nest has stuck in my head for weeks.  For some reason I feel like the little bird so many times in my life.  I feel like I have these things in my life, beautiful things, and Satan is just out to destroy them.  I too, like the little bird, have fight in me (anyone that knows me well knows I have more fight than the average lil’ bird). I don’t mind fighting for what I know is right and Godly.  But honestly, sometimes I just get so tired of the battle.  I’m tired of the conflict.  I’m tired of trying so hard to protect something in a nest that bites me in the butt for trying to help.  I’m tired of trying to raise my kids in a world that just seems to be inundated with EVIL everywhere we turn.  I’m tired of watching the news and hearing about little children being abducted and sold into sex slavery.  I’m tired of marriages falling apart and children walking away from God…I can go on and on.  All the while it just feels like Satan is winning!!  Can I get a witness?!

As I sat there watching the birds, I happened to be pouring out my heart to my mentor about recent spiritual attack.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But, I just can’t help but think God put those birds right in front of me for a reason.  I honestly felt like those birds were God’s way of telling me, “Hey Tirzah, you may feel little, but I have equipped you to fight for me.  I care about what you are fighting for.  I am with you.  You may feel like Satan is winning, but with ME by your side you can withstand ANYTHING!  You just keep on fighting the good fight!!!”

So, I ask you friend, do you ever feel like you are fighting in a war that you have no hope of winning?  Do you feel overwhelmed and discouraged by all that is coming at you?  Do you feel tired of getting bit in the butt by little chics that you are trying to care for?  Do you feel all alone in the battle?

If so, here is a little reminder to F.I.G.H.T. next time you’re head to head in battle:

Fear not, for I am with you…I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you (Is 41:10)

In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37)

Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world (1 Jn 4:4)

Hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who promised is faithful (Heb 10:23)

Take up the whole armor of God (Eph 6:13)

Aren’t you just dying to know what happened to the little bird?  Well, after what seemed like FOREVER, that big, stupid bird, gave up and the little bird WON!!  Come on people…and there was great rejoicing!!!! 

Keep FIGHTING friends,

Tirzah

Is authenticity a curse word to you- Part 2

I've been accused many times of being “just a bit” too honest.  I don’t feel the need to hide my struggles.  I don’t hide my pain.  When I’m mad…people can generally know right away.  I’m passionate about justice.  I speak my mind.  I don’t let people push me around.  BUT, there are definite pros and cons to this kind of personality.

For years, my version of being an authentic person was the willingness to tell anyone anything about myself.  I learned the hard way that this is NOT HEALTHY. 

Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever spilled the beans about something personal and then you walked away feeling “naked and exposed”?  Oh my goodness, I hate that feeling.  I get this horrible pit in my stomach and wish I could rewind time and tell myself to SHUT UP!  I feel like I’ve spent half my life shoving my giant, size 9, foot in my mouth.  (Seriously, how many 5‘3’’people do you know with such huge feet!!!)  While I take responsibility for my overreaction to my openness, I have to say that my response is also coming from the fact that I have often been harshly judged by my Christian friends.  They feel uncomfortable with my honesty and in turn decide to judge.  Ick. Ick. Ick.  Oh, and by the way, I’m not casting stones because I have done it too. 

I know books have been written about this topic for years, but my personal opinion is that we have an epidemic level issue with this whole topic of authenticity.  What I had modeled to me in the church growing up is totally not what I want to pass down to my children.  The world calls Christians “hypocrites,” and they are not wrong to do so.  We are.  I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but come on, people…why are we so afraid to be who God made us to be?  We say the right things, preach the right things, but in reality have such a hard time being REAL. 

Okay, focus Tirzah...

The main thing I wanted to talk about today are some of the differences I see between authenticity and transparency.

As a believer, I believe we are called to be authentic with everyone in all circumstances.  In later posts I will talk about the need to truly know WHO you are in Christ before you can really even embrace authenticity, but that’s a huge topic for another time.

So, transparency, what is that?  In “Leading and Loving it” Wilhite/Wilson give a nice definition of the difference between authenticity and transparency.  They say “Being authentic is being genuinely you no matter location, situation or audience…it’s just being the imperfect yet uniquely gifted person you are.”  In comparison, transparency is, “being completely see-through.  It’s allowing people into the deeply personal, private side of your life, sharing your intimate struggles, celebrations, challenges, and victories.”

I love that.

But, we are people of extremes.   I see that either people stuff and hide who they are and what they are feeling OR they constantly dump their junk and suck up your emotional energy with their drama every time you’re around them.  Spiritual Vampires!!

A few years ago I felt the need for some honest evaluation of my relationships and realized that I had a massive problem.  I was addicted to relationships.  I’m a people person…It’s an easy thing for me to have happen.  Stop judging me…I felt it.  Just kidding.  : )

The major problem I saw was that I had WAY TOO MANY friends that I was trying to sustain deep relationships with.  I sat down and wrote down every friend that I was having weekly, monthly, daily contact with and it totally blew my mind away.  In hindsight it kind of makes me sick and exhausted to remember that old way of living.  It’s easy to make relationships an idol, isn’t it?  You do it in the guise of wanting to be an “encouragement to people in your life” and all the while you’ve put yourself in the place of God, feeling that these people really need you in order to make it in life.  As my daughter likes to say “GROSSNESS!”

I looked at the life of Christ and decided to model my relationships after His.  He had the crowds, He had the 12 disciples, He had the closer 3, and then the closest 1.

I encourage you to stop now and make your list.  Who are the crowds in your life?  This can be your Sunday school group, your church friends, work friends, etc….

Now, take a moment and write down your 12.  Who are the 12 people in your life that God has called you to walk through life with?

Next, who are your 3?  These are the ones I would say for sure should be those you are completely transparent with.  Do you have 3?

Lastly, who is your 1?  For some of you, your spouse is your 1.  I believe that should go without saying.  I actually think we need to have a friend even outside of our spouse that can be at a level 1 with us…someone that asks us the hard questions and keeps us accountable to how we are living out our spiritual journey.  Anne of Green Gables would called this person a "kindred spirit."

So, I leave you today asking you this question.  Are you addicted to relationships?  Are you willing to take an honest evaluation of your life and make some drastic changes?

On the flip side…did you take the chance to evaluate your life and realize that you don’t even have a list of 12 much less 3 or 1?  I would challenge you that it might be time to let go of your pride and invest in some life-giving relationships in your life.  People will judge you…accept that as part of life and make the choice to embrace who God made YOU to be.  You are a special and beautiful creation of God.

Remember, God made us for relationship.  God is glorified seeing us love well.

I have to just end by saying that this is not a one-time process.  Our life circumstances ebb and flow as do our relational connections.  That’s just part of life.  Every relationship is given to us for a reason and a season.  I have to say that taking myself through this deep relational evaluation has been life-changing for me, and I hope it will be for you too.

Digging Deeper,

Tirzah