I've been thinking a lot this week about old wounds. We sat with some friends last Sunday talking
about key people and circumstances that have shaped our lives. I found unexpected tears running down my face
as I shared one of my hurts.
(bear with me as I tell a bit of my story…I'm a bit humbled to share this, but my lessons are not just for me to keep to myself...we can all learn from each others' stories!)
As a child you don’t really have a lot of choices about
things. In my family it wasn't really an
option if you were going to play the piano.
It’s what every good girl did right?
Four sisters and we all played. I
have lots of fond memories around the piano.
We played duets and sang with each other for hours. I love music.
I remember my first piano teacher. She was SUPER fat (not trying to be judgmental…just
giving you my childhood impression of her) and sat in her chair barely able to
breathe. Sounded like Darth Vader to me and VERY distracting! She sat with a fan blowing on
her so loudly that she had to yell over it to teach me. I went week after week, and I’m not really
sure what she taught me…definitely not music theory. That lasted several years, but ended when our
family moved across town. I did a happy
dance. And hence, this is my the birth of my music education. Lovely.
A few years later I started up again with someone that was
revered as one of the best classically trained pianists in St. Louis. My family was so poor so one of my brothers and his wife committed to pay every single month for my pianos lessons. They were making such a big sacrifice and I felt the need to make them proud. Week after week I sat in his lessons. I was always terrified. He never praised me and often told me “I
needed to play like my older sister.” I
remember one time I thought for sure I had nailed a song and his exact words were
“well, that sounded stupid.” I kept
going because I thought that if I JUST KEPT WORKING HARDER he would eventually
be pleased with me. Yeah, that never
happened. Crappy piano teacher #2.
As I got older and started thinking about college and I had
no idea what to study. After 10 years of
piano, music was the only context I knew.
At 16 I started up with another teacher and she promised to do her best
to get me prepared for college. She was
a good teacher, but I was still terrified of her. Praise was not on her tongue, but I think she
had compassion on me. My Grandma died
during this time, and each month I paid for my lessons with my
inheritance. Every single penny I got
from my grandma went to piano lessons.
Yes, every-single-penny.
Within my first days studying piano at the Moody Bible
Institute I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done. Most everyone was better than me, but I LOVED
music (so I thought) and with the right training I had confidence I could do
this thing! I met the two piano
instructors and I PRAYED I would get the kind one. But alas, that wasn't my good fortune. Bring in crappy piano teacher #3. (a little caveat here...I actually don't think my teachers were actually bad people...just not good for ME...big difference there and I know it.)
Some people thrive under criticism and pressure…not me. I’m a people-pleaser. It was the worst possible scenario for
me. I’m sorry, but telling me you want
to hit me with a yard stick or slap my knuckles till they bleed doesn't exactly inspire
confidence in me. I worked hard, really
hard. I practiced for hours every day
and somehow I still new I would never be good enough.
I joined a ladies choir and found some of my dearest and
sweetest friends there. To this day they
all hold an amazing place in my heart. But,
I must confess, it was just one more place that Satan was able to get in my
head that I was worthless when it came to piano. You know how you have moments in time that
stand still and they get locked in your heart forever? I have about a dozen or so of those key
defining moments. Well, something
happened in me on this particular day. I
walked into choir with my best friend, and we were unprepared for the fact that
we would be publicly humiliated that day.
Maybe to some this wouldn't be a big deal, but to me, the wounds went
deep. My friend and I had been playing
our choir finale for weeks. It was a
duet, and we were known for our love for playing duets together. Evidently we weren't good enough though and someone else was chosen to play. There was no coaching, no talks, no warning. We just walked in to choir one day and right
in front of everyone we were told we had been replaced. I can still remember the little voice in my
head telling me how all those years of piano were just a waste of my time, my brother's money, and my grandmother’s inheritance. I let them all down. (I know…stupid thoughts of a 20
year old, but they were my thoughts nonetheless).
It was in that moment my heart changed about piano. I accepted my mediocrity, but not with
grace. Hurt came and stayed…for a very
long time.
So, this story got me thinking. How many of us have hurts that have come and
made a comfy residence within our hearts?
I KNOW I’m not the only one with a story like this one. Can you resonate at all with these
feelings? Can you stop right now and
think of a key time in your life when hurt came and took up residence in your heart?
FRIENDS! God has made
us such beautiful creations. He gave us
passions and desires. He blessed us with
gifts and talents that He wants us to use for His glory! Not man’s glory. GOD’S GLORY! I can’t say that enough. It’s all about HIM. When we start believing the lies that Satan
throws at us, He becomes the winner. We
become handicapped by our fears, insecurities, anger, and bitterness. With these hurts lingering in our hearts, our
ability to make an impact for Jesus becomes so much less than what it could by
living in HIS TRUTH.
Satan…stupid Satan. He wants to destroy any good that God
creates. He wants to squelch our
joy. He wants to discourage us. He wants to sow seeds of bitterness in our
hearts. He wants us to get angry and
stay angry. He wants to make us feel and believe we are “less-than.” I don’t know about you but I’m tired of
feeling less than. I’m also sick and
tired of seeing God’s children walk around defeated and useless because Satan
has convinced us that we have nothing to offer.
Excuse me, but BULL CRAP. You are
an amazing work of God. You were created
for good works that God prepared for you to do! Isn't that so cool?
So I ask you. Do you
feel sub-par? Are you tired of leasing
out your heart to the stupid tenants called HURT and INSECURITY? I sure
am! Friends, we are made for GOD sized
dreams. If you have hurts in your life
that have crippled you, I beg you to ASK GOD TO RELEASE YOU from this
bondage.
I had to tell you this story because it brings to mind some
of the deepest feelings of inadequacy in my life. Obviously, I’m just sharing a tiny bit of my story, but I know we can all tell similar stories. Stories of not being good enough. Stories of letting ourselves and others
down. Stories of DEEP HURT. Stories that still bring the tears to our
eyes and sharp pangs to our hearts.
 |
| You have so much in common with this butterfly. Every dot and line are perfectly placed by God. You are beautiful in His sight and made for a wonderful purpose! Don't let Satan's lies destroy your "wings" and keep you from flying! There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God's handiworks fly in total freedom to express HIS LOVE to the world! |
I don’t know about you but I want to be free from old wounds. Would you dare to join with me, friend? Would you ask God to help you be released
from those thoughts and feelings that are not of God?
You, sister and brother, are a beautiful work of God. He is pleased with you. You are enough! What Jesus wants from us is our hearts; hearts
that are fully devoted to HIM. He
delights in our offerings and doesn't judge the offering but the heart behind
it.
So, how did my little piano sob story end?
I decided after I graduated college that I wanted the cycle
to end. I wanted to teach piano with JOY
and KINDNESS. I wasn't the best teacher,
but I loved on each and every one of my students. My mission as a teacher was to give them a
positive experience with piano and show them the love of Jesus through my life. I think I did that pretty well. I took my hurt and let it turn into a gift…I
let God us it for GOOD in my life.
Years later, I did get the courage to try out for the
worship team. I was turned down yet
again. Yeah, it sucked. But guess what? I’m still alive.
I wish I could say I've got all these feelings figured out,
but I don’t. I was shocked this week
when I cried as I told this part of my story.
BUT, this thing I do know: God
wants us to remember that in Him, we don’t have to keep on striving to be more and better. He loves us so
much. I think it breaks His heart when
His children feel the need to achieve the praise of men, when through Him, we
have everything we need.
So, next time you are tempted to feel like you suck …say to
yourself “I AM A DELIGHT TO GOD...JUST LIKE I AM.” Next time you are hurt by something life
brings along your way…say to yourself “I WILL NOT LET HURT TAKE RESIDENCE IN MY HEART…I choose to forgive and let God keep doing his MIGHTY work in my
life!”
Keep on digging deeper my friends,
Tirzah
