Beyond the Second Row

I was 24. My heart was full of excitement and anticipation as my husband stood on stage and was commissioned into his first full time youth ministry position. This was our dream. Four years of Bible college, two years of seminary, and now here we were; ready to start putting all this training in to practice. We were dirt broke but full of AMBITION to GIVE IT ALL for the next generation. “Be brave,” I told myself. “You’ll sleep when you’re dead.”

                   I wonder…do I have what it takes to be a pastor’s wife?

I looked across the auditorium and saw her. She was sitting in the second row. Dressed nicely, smiling, and listening with intense respect. She was the Senior Pastor’s wife. In my eyes she earned immediate respect because of her role. Year after year she sat in that second row with that same unwavering, unspoken support to her husband, our pastor.

                I wonder…did she feel the eyes on her every move?

I heard the words but they didn’t sink in. We were being “encouraged” to move out of youth ministry into a role we never imagined. Associate Pastor. I sat on the second row and watched my brave husband break the hearts of all our sweet youth as he told them our time was done. “Be brave,” I tell myself, “your husband needs you to be strong.” 
 
              I wonder…did others see me as brave or did they see the little tear that fell down my cheek?

The next years would be hard. Harder than anything I could ever have imagined. Church destruction at its’ finest. Gossip. Pride. Jockeying. Power. Secrets. Anger. Evil had come to rest upon our church. I looked towards the second row and it was empty. Where did she go? I found her. My second row friend was crying in the corner. I guess not everyone can be strong all the time. I hold her hand and we cry together. I watch our church crumble before my eyes. My husband was on his knees begging out to God for Satan to leave our church. Brokenness. Absolute brokenness. “Be brave,” I tell myself. “Your husband and friends need you now more than ever.”

             I wonder…does Satan view our brokenness as his favorite comedy show?

Sometimes God’s plan makes no sense. Scratch that…it rarely makes sense. Voices. So many voices telling us to take on the role as a Lead Pastor. Our adventurous hearts take it on and we GO.  Now it’s my turn. I sit on the second row and watch my husband commissioned to be the Lead Pastor of this sweet little church. I smile and give him my full support. But wait, was is that? I dare not turn around but I feel the eyes upon me and in that moment…I understand. “Be brave,” I tell myself. “Your husband needs you and this church needs you too.”

            I wonder…how did my second row friend manage to smile when the weight was so heavy?

For 3 years I sat there in the second row. I supported, smiled, encouraged, and prayed. But now our time has come to an end. Again I find myself listening to my husband break horribly sad news to people we loved. There is not much that can be said when God doesn’t give all the answers. “Be brave,” I tell myself. “Your church needs you to be strong. Your husband needs you to be strong.”

            I wonder…did God delight in me?

It’s been 10 months since I sat on that second row. We visit other churches and I feel lost in a sea of people. No one knows my name. I sit in the back row just because I can. I’m distracted by all the sights and sounds. I watch as people play on their phones and fall asleep. I see every little detail and I get lost in my emotions. We visit church after church and feel a sense of dread that we might never find a church that feels like home. My eyes start to wander and they fall upon this beautiful woman on the second row. She holds the pastors hand and smiles as he gets up to preach.

         I don’t have to wonder anymore…I just pray. I pray she will be brave because I know how much she’s needed.

Swimming upstream in a world of Pretenders

I find myself in a season of deep reflection. I guess that’s pretty normal for me, but this time my reflection almost feels like physical pain. I sat on my back porch this morning and I wanted to cry but had no energy to do so.

I feel tired.

I feel sad.

I feel angry.

I feel disappointed.

I feel worried.

I feel overwhelmed.

Lately it seems that everyone that crosses my path has MAJOR life issues going on. I could name at least a dozen of our closest friends and family that are facing life altering moments in their lives right now. Who am I kidding? I'm struggling too. How about you? I feel like I'M personally drowning in transition and uncertainty and it is making me down right crabby (right, honey?). So, what do I have to offer my friends that are gasping for air when I'm drowning in the same boat? My temptation is to carry all these burdens, and hence the flood of raw emotions.

You better stop judging me because I know I’m not alone in this. Just because I love Jesus doesn't mean that I’m a robot and can just magically turn off my emotions. You see, when I hear that my dear friend has been cheated on, I get pissed. When I feel forced into a corner and treated like a child, I feel angry. When I sit with a friend that is overcome with depression, I feel sad. When I see God’s people tear themselves apart, I feel overwhelmed by disappointment.  When I see people consistently turn their back on Jesus and enjoy a life of sin, I feel worried for their souls. When I feel like I'm in a season when everything, I mean everything, is HARD, I feel beyond tired of it all.

Oh, don't get all worried for me. That's not what this is about. What I want you to see, my friend, is that it's OKAY to be REAL with how you feel. When life sucks, it's okay to admit it. 

I was sharing with a friend the other day some of these emotions and the response just blew my mind. “Tirzah, what in the world are you worrying about?! Just trust God. All of these things will work out.” Okay okay, I know all the bible verses that tell me not to worry, and I get that. BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, we would be a better witness to the people around us if we would actually show our humanity sometimes and STOP PRETENDING THAT LIFE IS ALL ROSES. Why is it that when we place our faith in Christ, we feel the need to wash up our OUTSIDE when we are in absolute turmoil on the INSIDE?????

I’m sorry, but when I sit with a dear friend and hear the news that her teenage child is pregnant, it’s not my first instinct to say, “oh____, everything is going to be okay.” Um, well it’s not going to be okay so why would I say that? Yes, God can use anything for GOOD, but is that really what she needs to hear in that moment? Uh, no.

When I sit with a friend that tells me “I feel like a failure in life in every possible way”, I’m not going to just brush over that with pat words. These words of grief are real that cannot be healed by cliché comments.

So, if you are reading my rant today, I just want to simply ask you this, “Are YOU for REAL?”

Next time a dear friends comes to you with a struggle, will you do them the great honor of keeping your stupid cliché comments to yourself and just listen with empathy?

Will you pause next time you’re forced to stuff YOUR emotions and trust that God can handle your authenticity with Him?

Did Jesus judge the man that said “Lord, I believe but help me in my unbelief”? I think not.

I feel like I’m swimming upstream in this life of authenticity. 

Will someone join me?

YOGA PANTS

A few days ago I was having one of my moments of deep thought in my favorite place of solitude.  Yes, you got it, I was in the shower.  Our poor water bill has suffered much over the years with my eternal steam bath thinking/praying sessions.

I was thinking a lot about motherhood. I had this earth shattering thought…”YOGA PANTS DON’T DEFINE YOU!”  Rocket science, right?  On the other hand…yoga pants really DO define you.  I mean, I should NOT be able to see your cellulite from 20 yards away…oh, but others have written about this so I’ll let that one lie. (http://veronicapartridge.com/why-i-chose-to-no-longer-wear-leggings/)

(Personal opinion on the topic…who cares if you wear yoga pants but PLEASE cover up your butt! I asked Bradley what he thought about yoga pants and he said “what are those anyway?” ha ha ha.  I love my husband!)

Yeesh, I got distracted from my point.

Here’s the skinny.

I've had SO MANY conversations with women that have no idea what God wants them to do with their life. These are ladies that have been dedicated, loving, godly mommy’s and have done an AMAZING job at it.  NOTHING is wrong with that and I agree that raising our children is a necessary priority and privilege.  However, why is it that we have an epidemic of women that struggle so much with their purpose, especially once their children are to the stage of independence?? Why is it that so many women are LOST and WANDERING aimlessly through life?  Hence my thought that, “YOGA PANTS DON'T DEFINE YOU!"

If we had the chance to sit in Starbucks and hash out what I mean by that, here's what I'd tell you:

TO THE YOUNG MOM:

"Way to go, girlfriend!!!  You may not feel it today as you wipe butts and clean up that pile of blocks for the hundredth time, but what you are doing is SO IMPORTANT.  You are raising the next generation of Jesus Followers and you are doing a rock star job!! Today, though, I want you to remember a simple truth. As mommy’s we don’t have to check out from the world around us just because we spend the majority of our time un-showered, in yesterday’s make-up, with yoga pants, a ponytail, and a baby on our hips. Dear friend, we have to stop raising self-centered, narcissistic, children that are fed a lie that the world revolves around THEM.  

This will look different for all of us. For me it has meant that over the years my children have seen me spend hours and hours counseling and mentoring young women on my couch (my passion). They have seen me have quiet time and pray diligently for them every night as they close their eyes to sleep. They have seen us as a family open our home to bible studies and countless meals with neighbors and friends.  They have seen us give our time and resources to those in need and make meals for the sick. They have seen us visit hurting people in the hospital and cry with people that have lost a loved one. I want my children to see the reality of the gospel lived out in ME so that their little lives will be drawn more and more to Jesus. So friend, I ask you… are you setting the example for your children that life is not ALL ABOUT THEM, it’s ALL ABOUT JESUS?"

TO THE SEASONED MOMMY:

"Oh man, I like you a lot.  You have been my friend and encourager.  I’m drawn to the older, less petty people in life.  I’m proud of you, friend.  You have raised your children well and while they are far from perfect, that’s the whole point right?  We are all lost people in need of JESUS every day.

To you, I just want to say two simple things:

1) Don’t live in regret.  Don’t look back on motherhood and feel like you screwed it up.  Yeah, maybe you could have done things differently, but leave the past in the past and move on.  Satan likes to keep you wallowing in the poop of the past, but God wants to wash you clean and set your eyes on the future (1 Jn 1:9).  There is no such thing as a perfect mom.  Even that other lady that has those “perfect godly children” is not without her faults.  God did not create robots, He created people.  He loves us ALL THE SAME and has a wonderful plan for ALL of His children.  So, I ask you today to stop living in regret and “Let it go! Let it go!”  (sorry, I couldn't help myself…darn that stupid song!

2) Remember Ephesians 2:10 “For [insert your name here]are [is] God's masterpiece. He has created [me] anew in Christ Jesus, so [I] can do the good things he planned for [me] long ago.” (NLT)

While I don’t know your personal story and I don’t know how He has gifted you to “do good works”, what I do know is this, HE HAS A PURPOSE FOR YOU!  Don’t sit back waiting for the perfect opportunity to plop in your lap that will fill your life with purpose.  Just take a risk.  Step out in faith and try something new.  Maybe it will flop, but either way you win because either you found your awesome purpose or you can cross one more thing off your list.  You won’t know until you try! 

Jesus is coming back soon and I can promise you that the ladies I look up to so much sure don’t want to be caught sitting on their behinds.  I love you, sweet sister!  Get in the game and keep setting the example to all those young girls around you that so desperately need it.  Oh, and by the way, the same goes for you.  You might be older and think you can get away with the yoga pants, but PLEASE cover up your buns."  ;  )

Authentically flawed,

Tirzah

UNcomfortable

I’ve had this ringing in my ears my whole entire life that “I just want to feel settled.”  That has meant different things during varying phases of my life.  As a child it meant that I wanted to be in a family that wasn’t so full of pain and heart ache.  I wanted a “normal” childhood where I could trade my fear and anxiety for fun and security. As a teen it meant that I wanted to feel loved unconditionally, and I would accept that from whoever would give it to me.  As college age girl it meant that I wanted to get married and live a nice, simple, peaceful, stable life with my husband and children.  As a grown woman, it has progressed even more into a deep rooted lie that Satan tries to daily whisper in my ear. He whispers, “seek comfort, comfort, comfort,” and then the seeds of my discontent start growing into bitterness and despair.

I remember telling my husband after we accepted our first ministry position in WI, “I don’t want to move from here until our kids are grown.  I want to plant our roots and STAY!” I’m not sure if you can resonate with what I’m saying, but it was this unexplainable longing in my heart to be comfortable.
I wanted the comfort of long term friendships for myself and my children.  I wanted the comfort of living in my dream house. I wanted the comfort of a stable job.  I wanted the comfort of… a predictable life. 

God must laugh at His children sometimes at our foolish ways of thinking.  Or does He cry? I hope he laughs because in my mind we need to stop taking life so seriously.  I guess there’s a reason He always calls us “sheep” in the Bible.  Is that God’s way of telling us we’re all stupid?  Well, it’s at least fun to think about.  I like to imagine the God I serve with a smile on His face and not a frown.  How do you imagine your Father?  It might say a lot about your view of grace if He always carries ‘The Frown of Condemnation.’

Today, I’m keeping my thoughts simple.  I just want you to hear from my heart to yours that maybe you need to get off your fanny and start getting a little more UNcomfortable in your life.
Stop making the safe choices. Step out in faith and talk to that neighbor you’ve been avoiding. Call that friend that is going through hardship and take them to coffee (don’t worry about what to say…just listen and pray). Make the call and get yourself in counseling if you’ve been avoiding it. Reach out to that friend you’ve hurt and say sorry. Take a hard look at your life and ask yourself if there any areas you are holding back from God. Stop counting yourself out in life, and quit being the victim. Serve in your local church and stop making stupid excuses.  Get the idea? 

For us in recent days it has meant my husband leaving the pastorate and totally going back to the LORD asking “How can I thrive and serve You best?” For me at has meant taking off the comfortable “stay at home mom” hat and being the bread winner for a while. FREAKY STUFF, MAN!!!  I’m not going to tell you getting UNcomfortable has been easy on us. Frankly, so far most days feel really crappy.  At the same time I have never felt so dependent on God in my entire life…and that, my friend, is an AWESOME feeling.

So, I leave you with this prayer that has been my prayer in recent days. 

“Father, I confess to you that I have placed comfort as an idol in my life. Forgive me for trying to be the conductor in the orchestra of my life. Lord, I ask you for help. I confess my fear to you.  I confess that the ‘unknown or unpredictable’ look like a ravenous lion in my heart that wants to devour me. God, I want to follow you with no strings attached. I want to be bold for you and make choices in my life that will leave those in my path curious. I release control to you, Jesus, and ask you to help me find my COMFORT in YOU.”

How will YOU start getting UNcomfortable today?

"The Ministry" is not a Calling

Where do I start?  How do I put words to things I have felt for so much of my life and have only just now the courage to say out loud?

As a kid I felt that my “calling” was to be a missionary because that was what was expected of me (or so I thought). In college I fought against that and decided that I was “called to vocational ministry” with Bradley.

A few years into our career of vocational ministry, our calling was challenged, and our world was rocked.  I remember the moment when this happened like it was yesterday. If I could pick up the pieces of my heart during that time and speak the truth that I now wholeheartedly believe, it could have changed so much for us.  But alas, Bradley and I had to learn the hard way (which by the way I truly wouldn’t change for anything).

The result of us equating our “calling” with our “vocation” is a common mistake we make as believers.  For us personally, living in a “calling” that did not bring us true, heart level joy, has caused us to process our life in a confused state of mind.  Way too often people in full-time church or parachurch ministry resist truly following God’s leading because of this unhealthy belief that “leaving a ministry role” is  a sign of failure or disobedience to God. Wow. I said it. 

After studying at the Moody Bible Institute and then Dallas Theological Seminary, we have been well equipped.  No doubt about that.  We both felt that God “called” us to the ministry. No doubt about that.  We have been “successful” in ministry. No doubt about that.  BUT, there has been a huge component to our vocational ministry that we have not addressed until the last 6-8 months, and that is we have come to the conviction that “The Ministry” should not be the focus of our Calling.

I’m not a theologian, and I’m not interested in theological debates or semantics.  Hear my heart.  As believers in Jesus Christ, we have been CALLED His sons and daughters.  We have been CALLED to suffer for Christ.  We have been CALLED to preach the gospel.  We have been CALLED to live a life full of the Fruit of the Spirit.  We have been CALLED to use our gifts to further His Kingdom.  I could go on, but do you get the point?  Our CALLING is not an job or role, it is a life attitude that should permeate every single one of us!!!  That literally makes my heart skip a beat.  Just think what an amazing impact we as believers could make in this world if we all truly accepted and acted upon this CALLING!

There is so much more I could say about this, but for now I just wanted to let you all (my faithful readers and friends) know how these thoughts have impacted our family in a huge way this year.

About 6 months ago, Bradley and I were in a very hard season of ministry exhaustion and internal evaluation. As Bradley puts it, he felt as though the ministry for him was like “building sand castles too close to the rising tide.”  We both knew that something needed to change, but we had no idea what.  That is when we learned of a study called “Life Beyond Imagination.”  Our dear friend, Steven Barr, wrote this curriculum for Disney Cast Members to have an opportunity to learn for the first time that they were created for a unique purpose.  While it was a bit unconventional at the time since we aren’t Cast Members, he asked us to join him on the journey to find our unique purpose. We have spent hours and hours charting our lives, experiences, ups, downs, and it has been truly life-changing (especially for Bradley).  Many of these things God had already brought me to a point of clarity on about 5 years ago, but it was a joy to walk through it for the first time with Bradley.  There have been lots of tears, lots of anger as we processed past ministry hurts, and much laughter as we have dreamed about stepping outside the vocational ministry box.

In conjunction to meeting with the pastor of Cast Member Church (Steven Barr), I have also been receiving some great mentoring from a dear woman I met two years ago at the Exponential Conference.  Debbie Jones is the leader of “Bloom,” which is ministry to church planting wives in Stadia, and she has faithfully taken me under her wing.  Debbie, if you are reading this, THANK YOU.  Your investment into my life has been such a blessing.  You’ve heard the raw things and have pushed me to be MORE and MORE the woman the God has created me to be.  The key thing that Debbie has challenged me about is that we need to be “making the maximum impact for Christ.”  This has been the catalyst for causing me to re-think how I see myself serving Christ for the long hall.

So, this past October Bradley and I decided to start having some very frank conversations with our mentors and then eventually some of the leaders in the E-Free denomination about how we were feeling.  I will spare you all the details, but through a constant leading from the Holy Spirit and confirmation from trusted spiritual advisors, we have decided to step out of vocational ministry for an undetermined amount of time.  During this season, I have accepted with JOY the opportunity to go full time with my job as Director of Sales and Marketing at a large wedding venue owned by my mom and stepdad.  I love, love, love my job and it has been a huge opportunity to shine Christ to a lost world.  Bradley has taken up 100% of the home schooling and household responsibilities (although he says he puts his foot down when it comes to the cooking!).  ;  )   

One key thing that Bradley is hoping to accomplish on a personal level during this season is to finish writing his novel and then start putting together a ministry writing project that I honestly believe could be a bestseller and could really open up some huge opportunities (more to come on that later!).  Bradley is a gifted teacher/speaker and no matter what comes our way, I do believe that there will be aspects of that involved.

SO MUCH right now is uncertain, and I feel that this is literally the biggest step of faith we have ever made (with the exception of accepting Christ that is!).  In these next months, I ask that you pray for us.  Pray for our children as we have asked them to join us on this “adventure.”  They are sad to leave our sweet friends at CrossWay Community Church (as we are too!), but even at this young age they see that something needed to change in our family. There are many questions you may have that we just don’t have the answer to right now.  The biggest question we get is “are you moving?”  We just don’t know the answer to that yet.  Our kids are happy here.  They have an AMAZING school (homeschool M,W,F and then a classical school T, TH-perfect combo!).  I like the warm weather (Bradley barely makes it through the HOT summers though). We have a great home and wonderful friends here.  There are a couple possible options that would bring us away from Florida, but at this point we just wait and pray. 

I leave you with two scriptures that have been a huge encouragement to us in this season.  I know you can all quote Proverbs 3:5-6 (look it up if you don’t have it memorized), but God has given us new understanding of these verses and it’s awesome!!  God asked us to basically forget about the “path” that we wanted to be led upon and totally opened our eyes to the TRUST, LEANING NOT ON OURSELVES, and ACKNOWLEDGING HIM aspect of these verses.  God showed us the “path” really doesn't matter so much but rather our heart attitude as we WALK the path!!!  We need to focus on keeping our lives so in-tuned with Jesus that we could take almost any path, and it would be great.  Do you hear that??  Life with Christ is not about the destination, but the journey of obedience to Christ in every aspect of our lives.  He needs to touch EVERYTHING in our life.  I love that!

The second scripture I've been personally meditating on is Psalm 37:4-5 (Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths).  What I love about these verses is the thought that when we delight ourselves in God, HE GIVES US the desires of our heart.  Not, “He lets us get what we want,” but the idea that we actually have NO IDEA what our dreams are without Jesus.  He is the author of our lives, and He calls us to delight in Him.  And, when the time is right, He plants the seeds of those dreams in our hearts.  Isn’t that cool??

So, this is what we are asking of God right now…for Him to plant that seed in our hearts and show us how we can best “delight in Him.” 

Thank you, sweet friends, for taking the time to hear from my heart.  We covet your prayers.

Tirzah (and Bradley too!)