Pastor's Wife: The "calling" I never wanted but learned to embrace

It’s been quite a while since my last post.  Life, children, ministry, work travel, kid’s sports, piano lessons, and carpooling have been my priority these past several weeks.  Trying to get into a non-psychotic- life-rhythm is always…um…let’s just say, a challenge.

I made myself a promise when I started blogging that I wasn’t going to be one of those people that blog for the sake of blogging.  I don’t want to waste your time reading my ramblings.  I have also been waiting to write because I frankly didn’t know how (or have the courage) to write what has so heavily been on my heart these past few months.

Let me just stop right here and say that this post is going to be written to my fellow pastors wives.  If you fall in that category, PLEASE keep reading.  IF, however, you have a dear pastor’s wife friend that could use a little encouragement to her soul, please read this for yourself and pass this on to her.  The words to come might be exactly what she needs to hear today.
Dear fellow pastor’s wife,

Get a cup of coffee and put the kids in front of a movie.  I think you need 15 minutes to hear what I have to say to you today.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you better now than ever before.  This year marks 12 years that I’ve been standing by my man in ministry.  To be honest, many days I feel more like a seasoned 55 year old than my current 35 years of age.  My outward shell is no testament to the inner story.  My heart and soul are weathered.

I never thought I’d be a Lead Pastor’s wife.  No way.  My parents led a church for 18 years and got chewed up and spit out.  They lost their marriage and it devastated our family in irreparable ways.  They laid their life down for people that turned around and stabbed them in the back. No, I did not want to be in this role.  And church?  Ick.  In my young mind I saw that the church was full of legalistic hypocrites, many of whom I’d fantasized about how I could give them a taste of their own medicine and make them pay for the damage caused to my family.  But alas, God, knowing my heart and my story called me to full time ministry in the church and set my feet on a path that has forever changed me.  He called me into the great unknown, and I was beyond unprepared for what awaited me.  I have often felt alone and wondered if my struggles were isolated and I’ve yearned for the motherly embrace of the more seasoned pastors wife to tell me that I’m “doing a good job” or “this is totally normal” when I’m feeling weary and insecure.

This, sister, is why I want to write you today.  You’ve been on my mind for ages, and I fear there are women just like you all over the world that need to hear the same message: “YOU. ARE. AMAZING.”  Stop it.  I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not prideful to accept that you are amazing!  You are amazing because of the beautiful work that God is doing in and through you.  You are amazing because of your faithfulness to endure hardship and be the hidden strength behind the man in the pulpit.  You are amazing because you work relentlessly to help your husband fulfill His God-given dreams.  You are amazing because you work hard to pay the bills, educate your children, keep the house somewhat in order, and juggle more than any man could dream of doing!  Can I get a witness?!  But seriously, next time you lay your head on the pillow, I want you to close your eyes and accept the simple truth that when God sees you, He is saying, “Beloved, you are amazing to me, and I love you so much.”

To my sweet youth pastor’s wife, I am so proud of you!  You are overlooked by so many.  The church often sees you as young and immature and doesn’t see how amazing you are.  You stay up to all hours of the night counseling girls and pouring your very heart and soul into their precious little lives.  You beg your girls to save sex for marriage and do everything you can to keep them on the straight and narrow.  You cry with them when they tell you they can’t stop masturbating (yep, I said that), and you feel the amazing privilege that so many girls would trust you with their deepest darkest struggles.  You are there for them when they start cutting or drinking.  You hold their hand after they’ve had an abortion.  You pray and help them accept God’s forgiveness when they feel it could never be given to them.  You kneel and pray with them as they accept Jesus into their hearts. You open up your home to kids that don’t understand the social clues to leave after a party is over and you fall asleep on the carpet while your husband pours into the student leaders.  You’ve grilled THOUSANDS of hamburgers and bought more gallons of ice cream then you can count.  You’ve been underpaid and overworked, but hardest of all, you feel invisible.  But friend, I see you.   Even better yet, GOD SEES YOU and HE IS AMAZED AT YOU.  My eyes fill up with tears when I think of the lasting impact you have made on this world.  You are investing in the next generation of life-changers.  You have one of the most important jobs in the church and you need keep doing your thing.  Remember, you don’t need a pat on the back.  Next time one of your girls hugs on you and spills her heart out to you, just quietly praise God that this is all the thanks you need.  Oh, and one last thing, you just keep rocking those skinny jeans girl; they won’t always look so good on you!

There is a category of pastor’s out there that I have learned to have a great amount of respect for.  In my years in ministry I’ve affectionately named these men the “Ass-Pastors.”  Yes, you know the ones. They are the Associate Pastors.  (I’m going to generalize here so just roll with me) They are the ones that are trying to climb the corporate ladder but in a very “Godly, spirit filled way.”  I heard someone say the other day, “I just barfed in my mind.”  Yes, that about sums up how I feel about this method of job progression. These Associate Pastors are often the men that hop from one role to the next and never seem to be satisfied anywhere for too terribly long. They have identity issues.  They are insecure.  Okay, so maybe I’m not speaking directly to your issues, but I know there are many of you out there because I’ve been friends with you.  I’ve had a front row seat to your journey AND I’ve walked in your shoes.  Oh, sister, I do not envy you.  To be married to a man that doesn’t know where he fits in the puzzle is just SO HARD.  You see him strive for recognition for his noble efforts and then cry with him when he feels like nothing he is doing is making any difference in the world.  You see him work so diligently on projects only to have someone higher up take all the glory for his hard work. You try not to ride the emotional roller coaster with him, but in your heart you know that being in this limbo-hodge-podge position can only last for so long.  To you my friend, I want you to know that I understand your exhaustion.  I know that you are trying to be strong.  I know that you desire your man to thrive in his God-given role, and I promise that if you keep seeking God then that time will come.  I encourage you, sister, to remember that the grass is most definitely NOT greener on the other side.  I beg you to embrace where God has you and do your best to encourage your husband to keep working heartily for the Lord.  Let’s be really honest, if it weren’t for our AMAZING Associate Pastors and their wives none of these super successful pastors would be super successful.  You are the Aarons.  You are holding up the arms of the bumbling idiot Moses’ out there, and we desperately need your strength and passion for Jesus to help our churches reach the world for Christ.  So thank you, Aaron’s wife.  You.are.amazing.

To my sweet worship pastor’s wives, let me say I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that your husband is the most openly criticized pastor in the church.  I’m sorry for the people that left the church because your husband didn’t include enough hymns in the service.  I’m sorry for all the hate emails you get if your husband ever dares to include “I could sing of your love forever” in service. I’m sorry that your ministry has been the scratching post for all the crabby, super critical, graceless people in the church.  I want you to know that without your husband faithfully leading the church through song and scripture, our services would be lacking SO MUCH.  You, my sweet sister, are part of this beautiful team.  You are vital to the ministries of the church.  Sometimes I see you, and I wonder if you believe that truth.  I look in your eyes, and I see that you aren’t sure where you belong.  I see hurt in you and a woman that has been blindsided by the ugly side of Christians.  I ask you sister, to just be patient with the church.  Don’t allow the harsh words that people say about your husband to sink deep into your soul.  Remember that when God calls you, He equips you.  He is using the challenges of leading a team of prima donna’s on a worship team to help YOU and your hubby be more like Christ.  Leading from up front is a high calling. Never doubt your role because without worship so many of us would be lost.  You and your talented spouse are vital part of the church, and God and I think YOU ARE AMAZING.

And now, my dear lead pastors wife…what shall I say to you?  You are the one I never wanted to be.  I see you week after week sitting all alone in the front row of church.  I used to wonder what it felt like to be all alone up there, but now I completely understand.  I know what it’s like to have all the eyes on you.  I know the fears of having your children misbehave and feeling the judging eyes of the whole church peer into your back.  I know the feeling of being told you look really nice but would look even better if “you wore a thong with those slacks.”  Yes, I’m walking this road with you my friend.  (Oh, and by the way, should I slap the well intentioned woman or will you?)  I know what it’s like to be held to a completely different standard than every other woman in the church.  I know what it’s like to never be introduced as anything other than, “This is my pastor’s wife!” I know, sis, how much your family pours out for the church, and I THANK YOU.  We pastors wives are as different as grains of sand, but many things we can ALL understand.  We have a bond, a sister-hood, a language that no other kind of pastor’s wife can understand.  We get to see the naked side of church; the part that very few ever get to see.  We are the secret keepers and the frontline soldiers.  We are judged and gossiped about.  We are loved and hated.  We are embraced and then rejected.  We are friended and then unfriended (yes, I’m talking about Facebook!). We have tons of relationships but almost always feel lonely.  We, ladies, are the ones that lie in bed at midnight and talk through sermon outlines with our husbands.  We are the ones who wait up till 11pm when our husbands have late night elder meetings and then take another hour (or two) to help our men process the meeting so they can sleep.  We are the ones that work extra jobs to pay the bills so our warriors don’t have to worry about money on top of all the other stress in their lives.  But all of these things pale in comparison to our ONE most important role that we all share, WE ARE THE CHEERLEEDERS.  We are our husband’s biggest fans.  No matter what, that is our role and our privilege. We support them after church when they feel like they just “totally bombed it” or feel like “I didn’t impact anyone with that sermon.”  We hug and encourage and only give honest feedback.  We know that our opinion and affirmation is more valued than any other person on earth, and we hold that responsibility with care and discernment.  We are strength.  We are stability. We are comfort.  We are counselors. We are peacemakers.  We are love (yes, the bom chicka wow wow kind).  We are authentic.  We are caretakers.  We are committed for the journey, no matter where that takes us.  And after all that, we are TIRED.  ;  ) And to you my friend, I hold your hand, and say to you with all the sincerity in my heart, YOU ARE AMAZING.  Keep up the great work!

There is one last woman that I would like to speak to, and that is the broken and betrayed pastor’s wife. This is the wife that has been so beaten up that she wonders if she can ever step foot in a church again.  You see, I know you too.  The image is burned in my head seeing my husband collapse onto the church sanctuary floor in weeping sobs as we experienced our church break into shambles.  I understand betrayal of the worst kind by people you thought loved you like a sister.  I’ve had my secrets shared.  I’ve been publically humiliated.  I’ve been so grossly misunderstood that I wanted to leave the church and never return.  I’ve had to suffer through seeing my husband be used as a punching bag for YEARS and hold him in my arms time after time as he wept tears of utter defeat and discouragement.  I know the numbness.  I know the anger.  I know the brokenness.  My mom still tells me that she can hear me screaming in the phone when I called her after our church split.  She thought someone had died and then realized it was so much worse than that.  A broken church is the worst death of all.  It’s like a mass suicide of your whole entire family.  It’s been almost 3 years and just recalling this time in our lives brings the tears back to my eyes, and my heart starts to beat just a bit faster.  I’ve healed a lot, but there are scars that have changed me forever.  So sister, I may not understand all the details of why you are hurting, but I want you to know that YOU ARE AMAZING.  God knows your pain, and He is hurting right along with you, because you know what, He loves the Church even more than you.  There are many things I wish I could say to you, but let me just encourage you in this; do not let your pain turn to resentment and anger.  Hurting people will always hurt people.  Satan wants to destroy you and me and make us ineffective for Jesus.  Don’t let him win.  So, yeah, maybe you aren’t a pastor’s wife anymore, but that doesn’t mean your impact for God is over.  NO WAY!  Maybe your best and most effective years of ministry are yet to come.  Take time to heal, be patient with the LONG process, but be open NOW to let God use you in a mighty way.  And don’t forget, YOU ARE AMAZING.

So my sweet friends, today I just wanted you to know that you have a sister out there that is cheering for you.  When you feel like ministry compares to an obese pregnant woman trying to run a triathlon, just know that I’m right there with you.  ; )

Always remember that your role, success, or failure in ministry is NOT what defines you.  God’s not more impressed with Bill Hybels than he is your husband that pastors a tiny little church in the middle of Iowa. God doesn’t care if you or your husband writes a book that makes best seller.  He doesn’t care if your husband planted a church, and now it has 5000 members.  On the flip side He’s not disappointed in your small church that is struggling to make ends meet.  You have not let him down.  WE are not the ones who get to decide if our life is a success or failure.  Do you hear me? YOU do NOT get to decide if your life has been a success or a failure.  God is the judge.  And you know what, he doesn’t look at the outside, He looks at the heart.  He doesn’t’ care about the BUCKS, BUILDINGS, AND BUTT’S (at least that’s what the big wigs call it!).  God, in His great wisdom has uniquely gifted and equipped each of us to be a very specific piece in His giant puzzle of creation.  Don’t you dare compare your piece of the puzzle to another because without you, not matter what color or shape you may be, the puzzle is incomplete.  You are his workmanship, sister, and YOU ARE AMAZING.

“Therefore, my beloved [sisters](my paraphrase), be steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor in not in vain.”

With all the love in my heart for you, sweet sister,

Tirzah