I've been accused many times of being “just a bit” too
honest. I don’t feel the need to hide my
struggles. I don’t hide my pain. When I’m mad…people can generally know right
away. I’m passionate about justice. I speak my mind. I don’t let people push me around. BUT, there are definite pros and cons to this
kind of personality.
For years, my version of being an authentic person was the
willingness to tell anyone anything about myself. I learned the hard way that this is NOT
HEALTHY.
Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever spilled the beans
about something personal and then you walked away feeling “naked and exposed”? Oh my goodness, I hate that feeling. I get this horrible pit in my stomach and
wish I could rewind time and tell myself to SHUT UP! I feel like I’ve spent half my life shoving
my giant, size 9, foot in my mouth. (Seriously,
how many 5‘3’’people do you know with such huge feet!!!) While I take responsibility for my
overreaction to my openness, I have to say that my response is also coming from
the fact that I have often been harshly judged by my Christian friends. They feel uncomfortable with my honesty and
in turn decide to judge. Ick. Ick.
Ick. Oh, and by the way, I’m not casting
stones because I have done it too.
I know books have been written about this topic for years,
but my personal opinion is that we have an epidemic level issue with this whole topic of
authenticity. What I had modeled to me
in the church growing up is totally not what I want to pass down to my
children. The world calls Christians “hypocrites,”
and they are not wrong to do so. We
are. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer,
but come on, people…why are we so afraid to be who God made us to be? We say the right things, preach the right
things, but in reality have such a hard time being REAL.
Okay, focus Tirzah...
The main thing I wanted to talk about today are some of the differences I see between authenticity and transparency.
As a believer, I believe we are called to be authentic with
everyone in all circumstances. In later
posts I will talk about the need to truly know WHO you are in Christ before you
can really even embrace authenticity, but that’s a huge topic for another time.
So, transparency, what is that? In “Leading and Loving it” Wilhite/Wilson
give a nice definition of the difference between authenticity and transparency. They say “Being authentic is being genuinely you
no matter location, situation or audience…it’s just being the imperfect yet
uniquely gifted person you are.” In
comparison, transparency is, “being completely see-through. It’s allowing people into the deeply
personal, private side of your life, sharing your intimate struggles,
celebrations, challenges, and victories.”
I love that.
But, we are people of extremes. I see
that either people stuff and hide who they are and what they are feeling OR
they constantly dump their junk and suck up your emotional energy with their
drama every time you’re around them.
Spiritual Vampires!!
A few years ago I felt the need for some honest evaluation
of my relationships and realized that I had a massive problem. I was addicted to relationships. I’m a people person…It’s an easy thing for me
to have happen. Stop judging me…I felt
it. Just kidding. : )
The major problem I saw was that I had WAY TOO MANY friends
that I was trying to sustain deep relationships with. I sat down and wrote down every friend that I
was having weekly, monthly, daily contact with and it totally blew my mind
away. In hindsight it kind of makes me
sick and exhausted to remember that old way of living.
It’s easy to make relationships an idol, isn’t it? You do it in the guise of wanting to be an “encouragement
to people in your life” and all the while you’ve put yourself in the place of
God, feeling that these people really need
you in order to make it in life. As my
daughter likes to say “GROSSNESS!”
I looked at the life of Christ and decided to model my
relationships after His. He had the
crowds, He had the 12 disciples, He had the closer 3, and then the closest 1.
I encourage you to stop now and make your list. Who are the crowds in your life? This can be your Sunday school group, your
church friends, work friends, etc….
Now, take a moment and write down your 12. Who are the 12 people in your life that God
has called you to walk through life with?
Next, who are your 3?
These are the ones I would say for sure should be those you are completely
transparent with. Do you have 3?
Lastly, who is your 1?
For some of you, your spouse is your 1.
I believe that should go without saying. I actually think we need to have a friend
even outside of our spouse that can be at a level 1 with us…someone that asks
us the hard questions and keeps us accountable to how we are living out our spiritual
journey. Anne of Green Gables would called this person a "kindred spirit."
So, I leave you today asking you this question. Are you addicted to relationships? Are you willing to take an honest evaluation
of your life and make some drastic changes?
On the flip side…did you take the chance to evaluate your
life and realize that you don’t even have a list of 12 much less 3 or 1? I would challenge you that it might be time
to let go of your pride and invest in some life-giving relationships in your
life. People will judge you…accept that
as part of life and make the choice to embrace who God made YOU to be. You are a special and beautiful creation of
God.
Remember, God made us for relationship. God is glorified seeing us love well.
I have to just end by saying that this is not a one-time
process. Our life circumstances ebb and
flow as do our relational connections.
That’s just part of life. Every
relationship is given to us for a reason and a season. I have to say that taking myself through this
deep relational evaluation has been life-changing for me, and I hope it will be
for you too.
Digging Deeper,
Tirzah
